Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 17 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.
It’s time for ‘The Return of the Wierdo’ segment in ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’. Let’s commence this third leg of the story by checking out Chapter 17! 🙂
‘Pippin Looks into the Palantír…and Is Asked Too Many Questions’
At the party in the Golden Hall of Edoras to celebrate the victory at Helm’s Deep…
ARAGORN: “Every day, Frodo moves closer…and closer to Mordor.”
GANDALF: “I know. Frodo and Sam’s sleeping arrangements can’t be great. And with that Gollum creature about. And with the way he eats…”
GIMLI: (interrupts) “Hey, Gandalf! How do you know what’s going on with them?”
GANDALF: “I don’t know. Sometimes I get a psychic connection with everything that goes on around the world. It’s quite creepy.”
GIMLI: “Anyway, I’m going to go to the toilet.”
ARAGORN: “The gents’ is nearby, Gimli.”
GIMLI: “No, I’m going to go to the toilet right now!”
At that, Aragorn and Gandalf see Gimli peeing in his pants. Gimli lets out a contented sigh once he does this.
GANDALF: (shudders) “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” (Pause) “Perhaps you should get yourself some Huggies.”
GIMLI: “Huggies? Do they hug you?”
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
Later that night, Gimli snores very loudly in bed.
MERRY: “Can you be quiet, Gimli? I’m trying to sleep!”
Gimli wakes up with a snore.
GIMLI: “Sorry.” (realises) “Ooh, I just peed in my pants again!” (happily) “Isn’t it amazing how these things happen so quickly?”
A short while later, after waking up from sleep, Pippin manages to pick up the wrapped palantír from Gandalf’s grasp and brings it back where Merry is.
PIPPIN: “Hey, Pippin! Want to play marbles?”
MERRY: “That’s not a marble! That’s the…” (realises) “Put it back, Pippin! Put that back now!”
PIPPIN: “Why? I can do whatever I want with it!”
MERRY: “Put that back!”
PIPPIN: “Why? It’s just a black ball! Do you want to see it? Let’s have a look…”
Pippin then sees a sickly pale light slowly spreading from the palantír.
PIPPIN: (intrigued) “Hmm. Kind of glassy. Must be a lava lamp.”
Very soon, with Pippin’s hands placed all over the palantír, an orange glow emerges with a black pupil showing. Pippin’s hands soon become fused to the palantír. He shakes around violently, holding the palantír in his hands.
PIPPIN: (cries) “Argh!!! For goodness sake!!!”
MERRY: (cries) “Pippin!”
Pippin continues to shake around the place uncontrollably with the palantír in his hands. Merry makes his way over to Gandalf, shaking him by the shoulder.
MERRY: “Gandalf! Gandalf!”
Gandalf murmurs slightly.
GANDALF: (murmurs) “Press the button on my arm to wake me up!”
Merry presses the button on his arm and Gandalf immediately wakes up, getting up from the floor to see what’s going on.
GANDALF: “W-W-W-What? What’s happening?”
Merry makes his way over to Gimli and shakes him by the shoulder.
MERRY: “Gimli, Gimli, wake up!”
Gimli wakes up slowly from his bed.
GIMLI: (grunts) “What’s going on here?” (realises) “Ooh, I just peed in my pants again!”
At that moment, Aragorn and Legolas enter.
LEGOLAS: “What’s going on here?”
Pippin meanwhile continues to shake around uncontrollably, holding the palantír in his hands.
PIPPIN: (cries) “Too many questions! Too many questions! Too many…”
Aragorn runs forward.
ARAGORN: “Hold on, Pippin. I’ll take the…”
Aragorn takes the palantír from Pippin, but he shakes it about in his hands, crying out loud, as if it were on fire.
LEGOLAS: “Hang on, hang on, I got it.”
Legolas takes it from Aragorn. But he too shakes it about in his hands, crying out loud like it was on fire.
LEGOLAS: (cries) “Dah, it’s burning my hands!”
GIMLI: “Hey, don’t worry. I’ll take it.”
Gimli takes the palantír from Legolas, but he too finds it hot.
GIMLI: “Ooh!!!! This is so good!”
MERRY: “Here, here, let me take it!”
But like the others, Merry finds the palantír too hot to carry in his hands and he cries out loud.
MERRY: “Hey, let’s give it back to Pippin!”
Merry gives the palantír back to Pippin.
PIPPIN: (protests) “Don’t give it back to me! Just throw it away! Throw it away!”
Gandalf takes the palantír from Pippin’s hands and throws it away, throwing a blanket over it for good measure.
GANDALF: “Fool of a Took. Again! First, dropping a skeleton and a bucket in a well with orcs in Moria chasing after us, and now stealing the palantír and looking into it when he shouldn’t have! What else could be worse?”
A moment of silence ensues.
GANDALF: “Where’s Pippin?”
GIMLI: “He’s down there.” (realises) “Ooh, I just did it again!”
Pippin is lying still on the floor with his eyes wide open.
MERRY: (upset) “He’s dead! He’s dead!!!”
Gandalf runs to Pippin’s side, shoving Merry out of the way.
MERRY: “No wait, Gandalf! Let me look at him! I want to see him!”
GANDALF: “No, let me handle this!”
MERRY: “I want to see him!!!”
GANDALF: “No, no, no, wait, wait! This should do the trick! I’ll just click my fingers and clap my hands a couple of times in order for him to wake up.”
Gandalf does this. After clicking his fingers and clapping his hands a couple of times, Pippin wakes up with a start.
GANDALF: “Good.” (to Gimli) “Gimli, keep watch on guard for anything.”
GIMLI: “Okay.” (realises) “Ooh, again!”
Meanwhile, Gandalf talks to Pippin as he wakes up.
GANDALF: “Pippin, are you okay? What did you do that for?”
GANDALF: “Tell me, what did you see?”
PIPPIN: “I…I saw him, Gandalf!”
GANDALF: “Who? My wife?”
GANDALF: “Your father?”
GANDALF: “Your mother?”
GANDALF: “Your brother?”
PIPPIN: “No…I don’t have a brother.”
PIPPIN: “I have a sister.”
GANDALF: “Your sister?”
GANDALF: “Your cat?”
GANDALF: “Your dog?”
GANDALF: “Your pen?”
PIPPIN: “No, no, no, no, no! Him! Sauron’s eye! I saw it! He looked at me!”
GANDALF: “And what did you tell him about Frodo and the Ring?”
PIPPIN: (gradually) “Well, he asked me what my favourite colour was. And I asked him, “Why do you want to know?” And he said he’s very interested in my life. So I told him, I don’t care. Then he asked me, “Where’s Frodo and the Ring?” And I said to him, “None of your business!” I told him, they’re in New York.”
PIPPIN: (laughs) “Only joking.” (Pause) “No, I told him…I told him they’re in Mordor.”
GANDALF: (shocked) “You what?!”
PIPPIN: (laughs) “Only joking!” (Pause) “I…I said to him, I don’t know where he is. And he hasn’t got the Ring. Then he asked me what the time was, and I said it was half past seven.”
Pippin checks his watch.
PIPPIN: “Oh! It’s quarter past eight! It’s amazing how time flies by that fast.”
A long moment of silence ensues. Eventually, Gandalf lets out an exasperated sigh.
GIMLI: (realises) “Ooh, I did it again!”
GANDALF: “Quiet!” (to Pippin) “What else did you see?”
PIPPIN: (thinks) “I saw…err…a pink tree on fire.”
GANDALF: (realises) “Pink tree!”
We cut to a firestorm where a pink tree and a tower stand.
GANDALF: (realises) “Oh no!”
PIPPIN: “What does the pink tree mean?”
GANDALF: (gradually) “Gondor.” (Pause) “Come with me, you stupid, pathetic idiot!”
Gandalf drags Pippin with him and smacks him.
GANDALF: “You never do like I tell you to!”
Gandalf smacks Pippin again.
GIMLI: (realises) “OOH, AGAIN!!!”
Meanwhile, with Legolas and Aragorn…
ARAGORN: “So what did you find out from Gandalf then? What did Pippin see in the palantír?”
LEGOLAS: “Well, he saw…”
Legolas then whispers to Aragorn what Gandalf told him. Soon, Legolas finishes whispering in Aragorn’s ear.
ARAGORN: (surprised) “Sauron?” (Pause) “And Gondor?”
ARAGORN: “Have you told Gimli?”
LEGOLAS: “I’d rather not. He’s too smelly.”
GIMLI: (realises) “OOH, AGAIN!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!!”
ARAGORN: (sighs) “I’ll tell him, I tell him.” (calls) “Hey, Gimli!”
Aragorn goes over to Gimli and whispers what Legolas told him. After he whispers in Gimli’s ear…
GIMLI: (ignorantly) “Yeah, great.”
LEGOLAS: (realises) “You weren’t listening to him.”
GIMLI: (ignorantly) “Yeah, great.”
Aragorn and Legolas are annoyed by Gimli’s ignorance.
GIMLI: (shrugs) “I want a can of beer!”
Gimli goes over to fetch a can of beer from a nearby table. He opens it and gulps down the contents in one go.
ARAGORN: (to Legolas) “So what else happened?”
Once Gimli finishes his beer, he lets out a huge belch, interrupting Aragorn and Legolas.
After Legolas finishes telling Aragorn everything he knows about Pippin from Gandalf …
LEGOLAS: “So, what do you think we should do then?”
ARAGORN: “I don’t know.”
LEGOLAS: “Well, do you want a drink?”
LEGOLAS: “Do you want to have some breakfast then?”
LEGOLAS: “Okay then. Are you alright?”
LEGOLAS: (puzzled) “What did you say?”
LEGOLAS: (puzzled) “Why are you acting like that?”
LEGOLAS: (realises) “Stop saying that!”
LEGOLAS: “STOP SAYING THAT!!!”
Legolas slaps Aragorn left and right, snapping him right out of it.
ARAGORN: (annoyed) “Why did Boromir give me the curse of ‘No’?!”
LEGOLAS: “I’ve no idea.”
Aragorn shouts up at the heavens.
ARAGORN: (shouts) “Boromir! How dare you?! Take this curse away from me!”
BOROMIR: (from the heavens) “It’s just a bit of fun!”
ARAGORN: (annoyed) “No wonder you’re dead!”