Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 18 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.
I hope you’re currently enjoying ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’. Today, we continue ‘The Return of the Wierdo’ segment as we look into Chapter 18 of the story today! 🙂
Enjoy!
Check out what Day 18 of my ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendars for 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 were about!
Tim. 🙂
Chapter 18
‘The Angry Steward of Gondor’
At Minas Tirith in Gondor, Gandalf and Pippin walk through the massive hall of the citadel and approach the throne where Denethor, the steward of Gondor, sits in a seat at the base of the steps to the throne.
GANDALF: “Denethor, steward of Gondor…”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!!!”
Gandalf is put-off by Denethor’s rudeness for a moment.
GANDALF: (continues) “Steward of Gondor, I’ve come to tell you something.”
Denethor shows a broken horn in his hands as he sits.
DENETHOR: (shouts) “WELL, EXPLAIN THIS THEN!!!!!”
GANDALF: (to Pippin) “Forgot to tell you, Pippin. He can be very loud at times.”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “EXPLAIN TO ME WHY MY SON IS DEAD!!!!!”
PIPPIN: (recalls) “Hmm. I wonder what happened.”
Cut to a flashback where Boromir gets shot by arrows during ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’.
BOROMIR: “Oww! That hurts!”
PIPPIN: (remembers) “Oh yeah! Boromir died to save us!”
Cut to another flashback where Boromir gets shot by more arrows.
PIPPIN: “Yeah, I remember now.” (to Denethor) “Boromir died to save us!”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “WHAT?!!!!”
PIPPIN: “Can you lower your voice down a bit?”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “I CAN’T HELP IT!!!! MY VOICE SWITCH IS JAMMED!!!!”
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
PIPPIN: “He’s not really dead. He’s just away on holiday. Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. Ah well. Life must go on.”
Gandalf and Denethor give weird looks at Pippin. Pippin then approaches the throne and kneels down.
PIPPIN: “Err…for some strange reason, I want to be your servant. I shall be your servant for no reason.” (to himself) “What’s happening to my voice?” (to Denethor) “Lord Steward of Gondor, I love you!”
Denethor reacts startled to Pippin. Gandalf then walks forward, hitting Pippin with his staff to move him out of the way.
GANDALF: “Get up!”
Pippin gets up and out of the way.
GANDALF: “My lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir, but it is not now. War is coming. The enemy is on your doorstep…”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?!!!! GUARDS, GUARDS, GUARDS!!! THE ENEMY’S ON THE DOORSTEP!!!!”
The guards run over to the doorstep and they kill one of the citadel guards outside.
GANDALF: “No, no, no, no, NO!!! I mean, Sauron is about to unleash his army of orcs from Mordor to attack you. You just killed one of your citadel guards.”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?!”
A couple of days later, Gandalf looks over the wall with the Gondorian soldiers beside him.
GONDORIAN SOLDIER 1: “Will Théoden come? Will his riders come?”
GANDALF: “No, we’re all going to die!”
GONDORIAN SOLDIER 2: “What?!”
GANDALF: “Alright, you’ve had your answer. Now be off with you.”
A moment of silence ensues, as the Gondorian soldiers stare at Gandalf.
GANDALF: (rolls eyes) “Alright fine! He may come, he may not.” (agitated) “Just…just look at me! I’m an old man! And…I became a white wizard, even though I wasn’t wearing any clothes on. And…JUST LOOK AT ME!!! DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS?!!! I’M GAINING WEIGHT! AND NOW YOU THINK THAT I’M…”
Whilst Gandalf rants away,…
…inside the citadel of Minas Tirith…
PIPPIN: “I offer you my service as…”
DENETHOR: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, just say you’ll do it.”
PIPPIN: “I’ll do it then.”
DENETHOR: “Good. Now, kiss this…”
Pippin kisses Denethor’s left hand.
DENETHOR: “Kiss that.”
Pippin kisses Denethor’s right hand.
DENETHOR: “And kiss me!”
Reluctantly, Pippin kisses Denethor’s cheek. Pippin coughs and splutters once he’s done that.
PIPPIN: “What have you been eating?”
DENETHOR: (whispers) “Cigarettes.”
PIPPIN: “I’m sorry, what?”
DENETHOR: (yells) “CIGARETTES!!!!!!!!!”
Denethor’s “CIGARETTES!!!!!!!!!” echoes in the citadel and beyond.
With the Riders of Rohan…
DENETHOR: (echoes from a distance) “CIGARETTES!!!!!!!!!”
A moment of silence ensues.
ROHAN RIDER: “Yep, that’s him alright.”
Back in Minas Tirith…
DENETHOR: (shouts) “THAT…IS WHAT I’VE BEEN HAVING!!!!” (Pause) “NOW…I WANT FOOD!!!!”
Denethor moves over to sit at his dining table.
DENETHOR: (shouts) “I SIT DOWN!!!!”
Very soon, Denethor eats away at his food, stuffing bread, chicken and tomatoes like crazy. He wolfs most of his meal before he eventually stops.
DENETHOR: “I’m bored.”
Denethor then looks up to see his son Faramir for the first time.
DENETHOR: (shouts) “I HEAR…THAT THEY’VE TAKEN OVER MY…MY CITY! NOT YOURS! Mine!”
FARAMIR: “Yes. And would you mind not shouting so much when I’m talking to you? I remember when I was a little boy, you were singing ‘Rock-A-Bye Baby’ to me and you got me deaf.”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “YES, I KNOW!!!!!”
FARAMIR: “Yes. Well, it’s overrun anyway. I mean, just look out of the window.”
Faramir draws the curtain to show the city of Osgiliath outside, overrun by orcs. He waves at it.
FARAMIR: “Bye!”
DENETHOR: (shouts) “WELL, ACTUALLY…I’ll lower my voice for a second.”
Denethor turns the switch on his neck to lower his voice.
DENETHOR: “Actually, I don’t really care. I just want you all to die and that.” (Pause) “Oh and another thing! Also, err…you’ll have no bedtime stories! EVER!!!!”
FARAMIR: (shocked) “No bedtime stories?!”
DENETHOR: “If you really want bedtime stories, get some men and get that city back!”
FARAMIR: “It’s your city! You get it back!”
DENETHOR: “I would, except, I’ve got to do some tidying up.”
FARAMIR: “Oh.”
DENETHOR: “And I’ve got to watch TV, and I’ve got to…clean up the dog…”
FARAMIR: “We don’t have a dog.”
DENETHOR: (shrewdly) “Pippin’s my new dog.” (calls) “PIPPIN!!!!”
Pippin comes at Denethor’s beckoning command.
DENETHOR: (to Faramir) “Well, go on! Have an onion!”
FARAMIR: “Oh, thank you.”
Faramir takes an onion from Denethor’s table and begins to eat it. The onion makes Faramir’s eyes water as he eats it, and he starts to cry.
FARAMIR: (tearfully) “I shall go now.” (Pause) “I love you, Dad.”
Faramir is about to leave.
DENETHOR: “Oh yes, son!”
FARAMIR: “Yes?”
DENETHOR: (gradually) “I wish…Boromir was you right now!” (Pause) “Oh, and another six ounces, I wish you were dead and Boromir alive.”
FARAMIR: (sarcastically) “Oh thank you! That is so kind of you!”
DENETHOR: “Yeah, I know.” (Pause) “GO!!!!!!”
With that, Faramir leaves, taking another bite out of his onion. He cries even more and Pippin watches him go.
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