Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 19 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.
Check out another instalment of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’ today! As we’re still in ‘The Return of the Wierdo’ part of the story, let’s check out Chapter 19! 🙂
‘Going to Cirith Ungol, but Sam doesn’t care’
On the road to Minas Morgul, Frodo and Sam are asleep. Gollum is nearby and talks in his sleep.
GOLLUM: (sleepy) “Too risky! Too risky! Thieves! They stole it from us. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them both.”
Gollum wakes up with a scream.
GOLLUM: “Ssh!!! Quiet! They might hear us!”
SAM: (sleepy) “Yeah, quiet, Gollum.”
Gollum moves away from Frodo and Sam, as he goes over to a lake.
GOLLUM: (as Gollum) “We don’t want them to hear us, do we?” (as Sméagol) “But they knows! They knows! They’re always watching, WATCHING, WATCHING!!!”
After Sam overhears what Sméagol and Gollum have been saying to each other at the lake.
GOLLUM: “The precious…will be ours…once…the hobbitses are dead!”
As Gollum throws a pebble in the water, Sam appears behind him.
SAM: “Well theoretically, it’s two hobbits against one, so the chances aren’t in your favour, so…Oh what’s the point?”
Sam ends up punching and beating up Gollum. Frodo wakes up, scrambles out of his blanket and stops Sam beating up Gollum.
FRODO: “How dare you hit Gollum?”
SAM: “Look, listen! Listen! I recorded this!”
Sam takes out his cassette tape recorder and plays it back for Frodo to hear. But it ends up playing jazzy music, not what Gollum said.
SAM: (groans) “Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Annoyed, Sam tosses the cassette tape recorder away to one side.
Gollum insists on his innocence.
GOLLUM: “Never! Sméagol wouldn’t hurt hobbitses! He wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
Gollum rubs his head and see he’s killed something.
GOLLUM: “Aaagh!!! A fly!” (accusingly; at Sam) “He’s a hobbit! Fat hobbit! Who hates Sméagol…”
SAM: (interrupts; annoyed) “I’m not fat! All this weight of mine isn’t me! This isn’t even my double chin…”
Sam takes off his fake double-chin…
SAM: “As you can see…”
Realising he took the fake double-chin off, he puts it back on again.
GOLLUM: (abusively) “Fat hobbit! Fat hobbit! Fat hobbit!”
SAM: “You’re fat as well!”
GOLLUM: “You’re ugly!”
SAM: “You’re disgusting!”
GOLLUM: “You’re smelly!”
SAM: “You’re bald!”
GOLLUM: “You’re #bleep#!!!”
SAM: (affronted) “You #bleep# #bleep#!” (Pause) “That’s it! I’m going to kill you for this!”
FRODO: “Stop it, Sam! You’re a #bleep#!”
SAM: “Now you #bleep# at that, you blinking #bleep# #BLEEP#!!!”
FRODO: “I’m not sending him okay, just leave him alone! #bleep#!”
SAM: “Fine, you #BLEEP# #BLEEP# #BLEEP# #BLEEP#!!!” (to audience) “I didn’t swear! I #BLEEP#! No, I didn’t swear!”
And this is what Gollum is like when he’s so foul-mouthed!
Frodo and Sam climb up the stairs to Cirith Ungol.
SAM: (exhausted) “Let’s take a rest.”
As they climb up, Frodo stamps on Sam’s hands accidentally, causing him to fall down. Sam’s cry echoes as he falls.
SAM: (cries; from a distance) “CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!”
Sam ends up at the bottom of the first steps to Cirith Ungol.
SAM: (from a distance) “I’ll be right back up, Frodo. You just wait.”
Frodo continues to climb up the stairs.
GOLLUM: “Careful, master! Careful! Very far to fall! Very dangerous are the stairs.”
Gollum reaches the top and turns around to look at Frodo climbing up.
GOLLUM: “Come, master.”
As Frodo gets up on top of the first set of stairs, the Ring hangs from its chain around his neck. Gollum sees it and his eyes become mesmerised.
GOLLUM: “Come to Sméagol.”
Gollum reaches his hand out towards the Ring.
SAM: (from a distance) “Hey, you! Get away from him!”
Gollum looks to see Sam draw his sword, as he climbs back up the first set of stairs.
SAM: (from a distance) “Okay, I may not reach you from here…but um, I can spit on you!”
Sam tries spitting at Gollum from a distance. It doesn’t work.
SAM: (from a distance) “Aww, it doesn’t work.” (shouts) “Get away from him!”
But Gollum instead reaches out and grabs Frodo by the wrist to pull him up.
GOLLUM: (shouts down to Sam) “WHY DOES HE HATES POOR SMÉAGOL?!!!”
SAM: (from a distance) “Stop shouting! You’re getting rocks falling on my head!”
Sam reacts in pain once he’s been hit by the rocks falling on his head.
GOLLUM: (shouts down to Sam) “WHAT HAS SMÉAGOL EVER DONE TO HIM?!!!”
Gollum makes out Sam stole and ate all the food.
GOLLUM: “Crumbs on his jacketses! He took it! HE TOOK IT!!! I’ve seen him! He’s always stuffing his face when master’s not looking! He’s very fat, fat, fat, fat, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!”
SAM: “Now that really got me angry!”
Being insulted like that, Sam hits Gollum. He soon grabs him by the throat and starts punching him.
SAM: “You stupid! Die, die, die, die, die, die!”
Frodo pushes Sam away from Gollum and stops him.
FRODO: (screams) “STOP IT, SAM! STOP IT!!!! NOW!!!”
SAM: “Well, I was only joking…”
Frodo soon collapses in a heap, but Sam doesn’t care.
After Frodo pushes Sam away from trying to get the Ring…
GOLLUM: “See? See? He wants it for himself.”
SAM: “Okay fine, I want it for myself.”
FRODO: “Get lost, Sam!”
FRODO: “Get lost!”
SAM: “Get lost?”
SAM: (realises; overjoyed) “YES!!!!”
Sam soon takes out an onion from his jacket pocket.
SAM: “Oh hey, do you want an onion?”
Sam takes out a bite from his onion. His eyes water and he cries. But his tears are of absolute joy for being freed from Frodo.
SAM: (laughs; cries) “I’M SO HAPPY!!!!”
FRODO: “Goodbye, Sam.”
SAM: “Goodbye! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
With that ‘Yippie’, Sam jumps off and plummets down to the top of the first set of stairs. He ends up on his back with a bang.
SAM: “Oww!!!” (calls; to Frodo) “Good luck with the Ring!”
Frodo and Gollum meanwhile continue their journey to Cirith Ungol.