Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 20 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.
‘The Messy Pyre of Denethor’
Elrond presents the newly re-forged sword of Elendil called Andúril – Flame of the West – to Aragorn at Théoden’s camp at Dunharrow.
ELROND: “We fixed it; we mended it; every time you look at it, you’ll feel like you’re in love with it! Ooh, like a woman!” (Pause) “Now, when I say now, pull it out.”
Aragorn grabs onto the hilt of the newly re-forged sword with one hand.
ELROND: “Two hands!”
Aragorn grabs the hilt with the other hand.
ELROND: (annoyed) “No, you put your hand there and you pull it out when ready!”
Elrond rearranges Aragorn’s hands on the sword and sheath in order for him to pull it out.
Inside the haunted mountain called the Dwimorberg, Aragorn leads Legolas and Gimli forward. Aragorn pants as he runs.
LEGOLAS: “Aragorn! It says ‘no running’!”
ARAGORN: “Oh right.”
LEGOLAS: “And ‘no smoking’!”
Gimli throws his cigarette away as he, Legolas and Aragorn continue making their way into the haunted mountain, but without running.
During the siege of Minas Tirith, Pippin runs to Gandalf, getting his attention.
PIPPIN: “Gandalf! Denethor is about to have a barbeque!”
GANDALF: “Oh, that’s nice!”
PIPPIN: “With Faramir on top!”
GANDALF: “Oh, it’ll be like a father and son thing.”
PIPPIN: “No, he’s going to burn Faramir alive.”
GANDALF: “What?! I can’t allow that! He’s my…”
Everyone looks at Gandalf.
GANDALF: (hesitates) “I did not say he was my son! Come, Pippin! Up quickly!”
Gandalf grabs Pippin by the arm and swings him up onto Shadowfax, as they gallop towards the upper levels of Minas Tirith.
In the Tombs of the Kings, Denethor empties a jug of oil over his head. Faramir is also covered in oil.
DENETHOR: “Didn’t you bring any shampoo and conditioner with oil?”
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: “Sorry, sir. They ran out of stock.”
DENETHOR: “Oh.” (shouts to everyone) “I WANT YOU ALL TO SET FIRE TO OUR BODIES! AND LET US BURN!!!” (whispers) “Slowly!”
Denethor stands above Faramir with his arms extended wide. The soldiers advance on the pyre with torches in their hands.
DENETHOR: “No, wait. Hold back.”
The soldiers stop at Denethor’s command.
DENETHOR: “Okay, go.”
The soldiers continue their advance. Suddenly, the door bursts open with Gandalf and Pippin on Shadowfax charging in. Denethor turns to look.
DENETHOR: (annoyed) “What do you want?”
GANDALF: “Err, I want beef!”
A moment of confused silence ensues.
GANDALF: “Err, stay this madness. This…thing.”
Denethor grabs a torch and stands with it in his hand.
DENETHOR: “Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it? I’ll drop it! I really will drop it!”
GANDALF: “No, no, no. You really won’t drop it!”
DENETHOR: “Yeah, yeah, I will drop it!”
GANDALF: “How much do you want me to pay you not to drop it!”
DENETHOR: “Ten quid.”
Gandalf takes out his wallet and opens it. He realises he hasn’t got enough.
GANDALF: “Oh a fiver.” (Pause) “Do you have any spare change?”
GANDALF: (fumes) “I HATE CHANGE!!!”
With that, Denethor drops the torch on the timbers, which catch alight instantly.
GANDALF: “Oh great!”
Gandalf grabs a spear off a guard at the door and gallops up to the pyre.
GANDALF: “Right! You get off for starters!”
Gandalf knocks Denethor off the pyre.
Denethor ends up on the floor.
GANDALF: “And Pippin, push um…Push Faramir off!”
Pippin jumps off from the back of Shadowfax onto the top of the pyre.
PIPPIN: “He’s on fire!”
Eventually, he pushes Faramir off the top of the pyre and onto the floor.
PIPPIN: “Oh yikes, oh yikes, he is on fire! Get me a fire extinguisher!”
Pippin gets a nearby fire extinguisher and douses the flames that have caught on Faramir. Denethor meanwhile jumps up.
DENETHOR: “NO!!!!!! YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY SON FROM ME! I’LL RIP THE HAIR OFF YOURS!!!”
Denethor struggles with Pippin and begins to rip his hair out. Pippin cries out in pain. Gandalf meanwhile rides up on Shadowfax towards Denethor.
GANDALF: “Say ‘hello’ to the horsey!”
DENETHOR: “Hello, horsey!”
Shadowfax kicks Denethor away back onto the pyre.
DENETHOR: (in pain) “Oof! Oh my!”
Whilst Denethor’s on the pyre, he sees Faramir waking up.
FARAMIR: (yawns) “Hey, dad.”
DENETHOR: (surprised) “Oh Faramir! You’re alive!” (Pause) “I knew that.”
FARAMIR: (confused) “Dad, you’re on fire.”
DENETHOR: “Am I?”
Denethor then screams as he catches fire. He jumps off the pyre and runs up the corridor in a ball of flames.
GANDALF: “Farewell…whoever you are.”
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: “Denethor!”
GANDALF: “Denethor, um…”
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: “The son of Ecthelion!”
GANDALF: “The son of Ecthelion!”
As Denethor runs all the way along the forecourt, two Gondorian guard try to cook their kebabs onto him.
GONDORIAN GUARD #1: “Hey, steward, please stop! We want to heat up our kebabs!”
GONDORIAN GUARD #2: “Yeah, please stop! We want to heat up our kebabs on you!”
In the end, Denethor falls from the end of the parapet. So do the two Gondorian guards with their kebabs, as they scream away.