Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 22 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.
Ready to check out Chapter 22 of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’? Let’s see what comedic antics are featured in this instalment of ‘The Return of the Wierdo’!” 🙂
‘Inside Cirith Ungol where Frodo is naked’
Inside Shelob’s lair, Frodo has been abandoned by Gollum.
FRODO: (calls) “Sméagol! Are you there?”
FRODO: (calls) “Sméagol?” (Pause) “Sméagol?”
Still no response. Frodo realises he’s alone and soon starts to burst into tears.
FRODO: (tearfully) “Fat hobbit.”
SAM: (from a distance) “Oy, I heard that!”
Frodo continues to cry as he walks forward.
FRODO: “Err…where am I going?”
Frodo soon ends up stepping into some bones of skeletons, which go crunch and squish.
SKELETON #1: “Oww! Watch it there, mate!”
SKELETON #2: “Yeah, we’re dead for crying out loud. Show us some respect, will you?”
FRODO: (panics) “Err…I’ve got to get out of here!!!”
SKELETON #1: (wryly) “Oh, you hadn’t thought of that.”
As Frodo panics, he runs through the tunnels, past many skeletons and animals hanging up in webs.
Sam climbs down the stairs of Cirith Ungol, happy that he’s been freed of Frodo’s service
SAM: “Yep! Yippie, yippee! I’m free, I’m free!”
As he climbs down the remainder of the stairs to the bottom, he then spots a piece of paper nearby.
SAM: “Hello, what’s this?”
Sam picks up the piece of paper and reads it.
SAM: (reads) “If you want to win a million pounds, visit…” (struggles to read) “Sh-sh-sh-shr-shr-shr-shrunk-shrunk…Shrunkhed’s lair.” (Pause) “Alright, I’ll go there right now.”
Sam looks up back up the stairs.
After fighting Shelob the spider, Sam runs over to the webbed-up object, believing it to be his money.
SAM: “Okay, money, money, money! Come to me, money!”
Sam pulls the webs away and it’s revealed to be…
SAM: (disappointed) “Oh, it’s Frodo.”
Sam shakes Frodo about and picks him up in his arms.
SAM: “Frodo, where’s my money? Tell me where my money is!”
But Frodo just gives a blank stare as if he were dead.
SAM: “Oh, you want to do a staring contest? Alright, let’s have a staring contest.”
Sam stares at Frodo, thinking it’s a staring contest they’re doing. A long moment of silence ensues. And then…
SAM: “You blinked!”
Frodo still doesn’t respond.
SAM: “Frodo, where’s my money?”
SAM: “WHERE IS MY MONEY?!!!!”
Still no response.
SAM: “Okay, where’s my money?”
As Frodo continues not to respond…
SAM: “Wait a minute. Is Frodo dead?”
Sam soon clenches his fist in joy.
SAM: “YES!!! He’s dead, he’s dead! I don’t have to worry about him anymore!”
Once Sam hides away, the orcs led by Shagrat come down from the pass and they examine the webbed-up Frodo.
SHAGRAT: “Looks like old Shelob’s been having a bit of fun.”
GORBAG: “Killed another one, has she?”
Shagrat then pokes Frodo about with his sword, which is broken.
SHAGRAT: “Nope! He’s not dead.”
A moment of silence ensues.
SHAGRAT: (shouts) “HE’S NOT DEAD!!!!!”
But Sam refuses to listen, blocking his ears.
SAM: “I did not hear that, I did not hear that!”
A while later in the tower of Cirith Ungol, Frodo wakes up. He’s all bound and naked. Behind him, Shagrat and Gorbag sort through Frodo’s belongings. Shagrat picks up Frodo’s mithril shirt and turns it about in the light, admiring it. Gorbag sees him.
GORBAG: “Oy! Hands off! That shiny shirt! That’s mine!”
SHAGRAT: “IT’S GOING TO THE GREAT EYE!!!”
GORBAG: “Hey, calm down, man!”
SHAGRAT: “Along with everything else!”
GORBAG: “I don’t take orders from stinking Morgul scum! You’re scum! You’re a scum, aren’t you?! You’re a woman as well! You’re a woman, aren’t you?!”
Shagrat pulls out his sword at Gorbag.
SHAGRAT: “You get any closer and I’ll stick this blade right in your gut!”
GORBAG: “That sword’s broken!”
SHAGRAT: “I know.”
A moment of silence ensues. Then Shagrat and Gorbag instantly fight each other out of random with Frodo still lying on the floor.
A while later, after the orcs have fought with each other in Cirith Ungol, Frodo struggles with his bonds in order to try and escape. Shagrat appears behind him.
SHAGRAT: “Stop your squealing, you dunghill rat!”
Shagrat pulls out his knife.
SHAGRAT: “I’m going to bleed you! Like a stuffed…HOG!!!!”
Just as Shagrat is about to thrust his knife into Frodo, he suddenly cries out and gets stuck through the chest by a blue blade. Sam appears behind him.
SAM: “If you mean a stuffed hog, do you mean you’re going to treat him like a hog roast? Because I don’t think he’ll be eatable. He’s got parasites, you see, and…oh what’s the point?”
Sam pushes Shagrat off his sword. Shagrat is dead.
FRODO: (overjoyed) “Sam!”
SAM: (disappointed) “Oh, you’re alive.”
FRODO: (overjoyed) “Sam, I’m so glad to see you! Give me a hug!”
Frodo opens his arms wide, but Sam doesn’t oblige.
SAM: “You haven’t got anything on.”
FRODO: (happily) “Yeah, I know! I’m naked! I’m completely naked!”
SAM: (annoyed) “OH PUT SOMETHING ON!!!”
FRODO: (happily) “I can’t. I’ve lost my clothes.”
SAM: “Here! Here are your clothes.”
Sam throws Frodo’s clothes at him.
SAM: “Now! I only came here…to get the money.” (realises) “Oh look! Here’s the money right here.”
Sam sees the money nearby and picks it up.
SAM: (pleased) “Yes! Right, well, I’m leaving. You told me to leave.”
Just as Sam is about to leave…
FRODO: (pleads) “Sam, Sam. I want you to stay with me.”
Sam gives a pained look that turns into an agonised look, before he puts on a smile and tries to be cheerful when looking at Frodo.
SAM: “I’ll be happy to stay with you…”
Sam then bursts into tears.