Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 23 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.
It’s the penultimate chapter of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’ today! I hope you’ve enjoyed this comedic version of ‘LOTR’ I’ve put together so far. Let’s check out Chapter 23! 🙂
‘The Black Gate Opens…and Everyone is a Moron’
In the Great Hall of Minas Tirith, Gandalf talks to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Éomer…
GANDALF: “He’s suffered a defeat, yes, but…behind the walls of Mordor, our enemy is regrouping.”
GIMLI: “Well, let him stay there. Let Saruman rot! Why should we care?”
GANDALF: (confused) “No, let’s put Sauron on the subject at hand.”
GIMLI: (puzzled) “Why Sauron? I thought we left him back at his tower when we defeated him at Helm’s Deep.”
GANDALF: “No, you’re getting the names mixed up. Sauron’s our main enemy in Mordor. Saruman is the one we left behind in Isengard.”
GIMLI: “Oh, so Sauron’s the main enemy, Saruman isn’t.”
GANDALF: “That’s right.”
GIMLI: “Okay. I’ll say it again.” (clears throat) “Let him stay there. Let him rot! Why should we care?”
GANDALF: “Because ten thousand orcs stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. Also, when you said “Let him rot”; were you talking about Sauron or Saruman?”
GANDALF: (baffled) “Who’s Frederick?”
GIMLI: “Our enemy.”
GANDALF: (sighs) “No, it’s Sauron who’s our enemy. Not Frederick.”
GIMLI: “Okay, I get you.”
GANDALF: “Good. Now who’s our main enemy?”
GANDALF: (gradually; groans) “Sauron!”
GIMLI: “Sauron, sorry.”
GANDALF: “Okay, who’s our main enemy then?”
GIMLI: (thinks) “It’s…Sa…ru…man!”
Gandalf rolls his eyes and gives up.
GANDALF: (continues) “Ten thousand orcs stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. I’ve sent him to his death. What kind of a friend am I? I’m old, I’m ugly, and I’ve no sense of fashion.”
ARAGORN: “Frodo’s not dead yet, is he?”
GIMLI: “Well, he could be, even though Steve killed him.”
GANDALF: (annoyed) “Sauron, Gimli!”
Following a long debate…
ARAGORN: “I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we…attack Sauron?”
GIMLI: “Well, yeah alright! Let’s go to Isengard!”
Gandalf is even more annoyed.
GANDALF: (annoyed) “Just…just…Gimli, just don’t take part in this discussion, will you?”
A while later, as Aragorn and his army of Gondorian and Rohan soldiers approach the Black Gate of Mordor…
GIMLI: “I can’t wait to sort Eric out!”
GANDALF: (annoyed) “Sauron, Gimli!”
GIMLI: “No, Eric, sir. An elf friend of mine who turned into an orc.”
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
In the land of Mordor, Frodo and Sam trudge on. Sam then notices the Eye of Sauron about to look at them.
SAM: (slow-mo) “Frodo, get down!”
Sam dives down to the ground. Frodo, still standing, turns to look at the Eye. Frodo waves at it.
FRODO: (dazed) “Hello!”
The Eye, thinking it’s seen something, focuses closer.
SAM: (slow-mo) “Get down, you stupid plonker! Frodo!”
Frodo, still dazed, collapses to the ground. He lies on the ground, his eyes wide open, whilst the Eye passes them by.
FRODO: (dazed) “What was that?”
At the Black Gate itself…
MERRY: “Where are they?”
PIPPIN: “I was going to say that! Where are they?”
GANDALF: “Okay, let’s ride over there. Come on!”
With that, Aragorn, Gandalf, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer, Merry and a Gondorian standard bearer ride off in one direction, until eventually…
GANDALF: “I haven’t got a clue why we went that way.”
Realising they went the wrong way; they head back the other way and ride up to the Black Gate. Once they’ve arrived…
ARAGORN: “Okay, let’s knock on the door.”
Aragorn knocks gently on the door.
GANDALF: (annoyed) “More like this!”
Gandalf bangs his fist on the door.
ARAGORN: “Oh wait, sorry. Let’s use the doorbell.”
With that, Aragorn rings the doorbell. The doorbell sounds eerily similar to Hyacinth’s doorbell from ‘Keeping Up Appearances’. Eventually, the door opens and the Mouth of Sauron answers. It happens to be…Hyacinth Bucket.
HYACINTH: “Hello! What can I do for you?”
ARAGORN: “Where is Sauron?”
HYACINTH: “Could you ask that in a more polite way?”
GANDALF: “Where is Sauron please?”
HYACINTH: “He’s right there.”
Hyacinths point to the tower of Barad-dûr.
HYACINTH: “Why, what can he do for you?”
ARAGORN: “We want him to come out!”
HYACINTH: “He can’t come out! He has to stay where he is.”
ARAGORN: (shouts) “We demand that he comes out!”
Hyacinth thinks for a moment.
HYACINTH: “Hold on a minute.”
Hyacinth is soon on the telephone to talk to Sauron. Eventually, she returns to Aragorn and the others.
HYACINTH: “He can’t come out, but would you like to have a war with him?”
HYACINTH: “Okay. He hopes you’ll lose and that you’ll all die horribly in the end. I might be able to provide you a candlelight supper afterwards.”
Hyacinth closes the door. Eventually, the Black Gate opens and out comes an army of Mordor orcs marching towards them.
ARAGORN: (calls) “Fall back!”
ARAGORN: “Fall back!”
With that, Gandalf, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer, Merry and the Gondorian standard bearer fall back off their horse. Aragorn groans, annoyed.
GANDALF: “Well, you did say ‘fall back’.”
ARAGORN: (annoyed) “NO!!!! Get back on your horses and ride back to the rest of our soldiers, will you?”
After they get back on their horses, Aragorn and the others ride back towards their Gondorian and Rohan army of soldiers with the army of Mordor orcs marching behind them.
With the Gondorian and Rohan soldiers waiting for Aragorn and the others to return…
ARAGORN: (calls) “Stand your grand! Stand your grand!”
GANDALF: “Stand your grand?”
ARAGORN: “I mean ‘ground’! Stand your ground!”
The Gondorian and Rohan soldiers do as they’re told, as Aragorn rides across the front of the army to address them all.
ARAGORN: “Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers!”
ROHAN DUDE: “Don’t doubt, man!”
ARAGORN: “I see that in your eyes, you are afraid!”
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: “We’re not really afraid.”
ROHAN SOLDIER: “Nope, nope. Not at all.”
A moment of silence ensues.
ARAGORN: “A day may rise…that we will win and we will always…always be with each other and never be separated! But it is not this day! Towers will rise and all good will finish [off…”]
Gimli interrupts Aragorn but making a loud belch.
GIMLI: (belches) “Pardon me.”
ARAGORN: “Shut up, Gimli!”
GIMLI: “Oh, charming!”
ARAGORN: “I’m making a speech!” (continues) “All good will finish [off…”]
GIMLI: (interrupts; scoffs) “You call that a speech! Ha-ha-ha!”
Interrupted again by Gimli, Aragorn loses his train of thought in his speech-making.
ARAGORN: “All good will…err…”
Thankfully, he’s soon back on track.
ARAGORN: “All good will defeat evil! But it is not this day! This day…”
GIMLI: “…is Thursday!”
Aragorn gives Gimli a look, annoyed by his constant interrupting.
ARAGORN: (continues) “We fail!”
A moment of confused silence ensues.
ARAGORN: (continues) “Which means, we fight!”
GIMLI: (realises) “We fight not to fail!”
ARAGORN: (continues) “And I say to you, dear brothers…”
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: “You’re not my brother.”
ROHAN SOLDIER: “You’re not mine either.”
ROHAN DUDE: “I thought you were my sister, man.”
Aragorn ignores the soldiers interrupting him.
ARAGORN: (continues) “By all that you hold dear, on this good earth, I bid you stand…”
Aragorn raises his sword up high, but it falls out of his hand.
ARAGORN: “Oh, sorry.”
Aragorn gets down and picks the sword up before he gets back up onto his horse and raises his sword up again.
ARAGORN: “I bid you stand! Men of the West, of Gondor, Rohan, Britain…and the Shire! Swords!”
With that, the soldiers all unsheathe their weapons and stand ready. Aragorn wheels around on his horse to confront the approaching enemy of Mordor orcs.
Meanwhile, Sam is doing perfectly walking up Mount Doom whilst Frodo is struggling. Frodo stumbles and lies down helpless on the ground as the mountain spews forth balls of lava. Whilst this is happening, the flute player from ‘The Black Gates Opens’ music track can be heard in the background.
FRODO: (wearily) “Sam!”
FRODO: “Where are you?”
SAM: “I’m up here.”
FRODO: “Help me!”
SAM: “Why should I help you? You never help me. You treat me like I’m a piece of junk.” (Pause) “And who’s that playing the flute? Oy, you! Guy with the flute! Cut that out!”
Sam tries to talk back with flute language, but the flute player keeps on playing regardless. Meanwhile, Frodo, his eyes bloodshot, grits his teeth and groans as he struggles to move forward.
SAM: “Frodo, you have arms and legs. You can use them, you lazy piece of dirt.”
But Frodo crawls on his hands and knees past Sam, who sits on a nearby rock.
SAM: “Oh please!”
Eventually, Frodo isn’t able to make it any further. He soon falls down again on his face.
SAM: “Frodo, get up!”
SAM: “Oh look! There’s your mother!”
Still no response.
Back at the Black Gate, Pippin unsheathes his sword.
PIPPIN: “I’ve got my sword out!”
Merry looks at him and breathes heavily, holding himself ready for battle. As Éomer looks menacingly at the orcs, the orcs themselves surround the Gondorian/Rohan army, making strange noises that range from horse-like neighs to cow-like moos.
With Gimli and Legolas…
GIMLI: “I never thought I’d die fighting side-by-side with a…a pig-headed pillock!”
LEGOLAS: “What about side-by-side with a lover?”
GIMLI: “Phoar! I can do that!”
Gimli licks his lips, looking at Legolas.
Back in Mordor, Sam makes his way over to Frodo.
With Frodo unresponsive, Sam picks him and turns him over.
SAM: “Yep! Go on, get up! Get up! Sit on the rock! NO, ON THE ROCK!!!”
Sam has Frodo cradled in his arms. Frodo is half-asleep whilst Sam cradles him.
SAM: “Now…here’s a question for you, Frodo? What’s two plus two?” (Pause) “I’m doing a crossword.”
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) “Four…”
SAM: “Now, do you remember the Shire?”
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) “No…”
SAM: “Do you remember me?”
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) “No….”
SAM: “Will you stop saying ‘no’?”
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) “No….”
SAM: (annoyed) “SNAP OUT OF IT!!!”
Sam slaps Frodo left and right, trying to snap him out of it.
SAM: “I’ll give you an onion.”
Sam fumbles in his pockets and takes out a slice of onion. Frodo wheezes heavily, as Sam is about to pop the slice of onion into his mouth.
SAM: “Right, have the onion.”
Sam pops the slice of onion into his mouth. Frodo tries eating it.
SAM: “Yeah, have the onion, go on…”
But Frodo ends up coughing out the slice of onion. It ends up somewhere on the mountainside.
SAM: “You’re supposed to eat it, not spit it out.”
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) “I can’t eat it…I can’t…ugh…”
SAM: “Okay, Frodo. Here’s what I’m going to do. I know I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately. But this time, things are going to change.”
Frodo groans weakly.
SAM: “I know there are occasions where you’ve been hurt and I’ve felt sorry for you. Even though I don’t like you. I don’t know how I met you. I just fell out of the window when I first met you.”
Frodo continues to groan weakly.
SAM: “So here’s what I’m going to do. And I’m going to say it like a man!” (Pause) “I can’t carry it for you! I can’t carry you! So, just carry me, will you?”
Sam soon ends up lying on his back, waiting to be pulled by Frodo on the mountain. Frodo slowly struggles to get up.
FRODO: (weakly) “Okay.”
SAM: (impatiently) “Come on!”
Once on his feet, but very weak, Frodo pulls Sam by the legs and drags him up the mountain. Sam sighs relaxed and content, as he’s being pulled up the mountain, whilst Frodo suffers pulling him up.
SAM: “Ah, that’s more like that! That’s right, keep pulling me up! I’m the important one here. Let’s see how you like my pain.”
Frodo struggles terribly, as he keeps dragging Sam up the mountain.
SAM: “That’s it! That’s it! Nearly there! Come on, we’re nearing to the top! We’re nearly at the end of our…”
Frodo then stops pulling Sam up on the mountain.
FRODO: (weakly) “I can’t do this anymore.”
SAM: “Yes, you can!”
FRODO: (weakly) “No, I can’t. I’ve got to let go.”
With that, Frodo lets go of Sam. Sam screams, as he slides back down the mountain. Frodo ends up falling back and lying flat on the mountain. Sam ends up at the bottom of the mountain with a crash. He slowly gets back up on his feet.
SAM: “Oww!” (calls) “I’ll be back up in a few minutes.”