Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s Day 24 of ‘Bradley’s Basement‘s Advent Calendar 2021.
It’s Christmas Eve today and it’s time for the final instalment of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’. I hope you’ve enjoyed my comedy take on ‘LOTR’ for this year’s advent calendar in December. I’ve had fun putting it together! Let’s check out how the story ends in Chapter 24! 🙂
Merry Christmas everyone!
‘The End of All Things…and the End of this Stupid ‘LOTR’ Comedy Version’
After the War of the Ring is over; Sauron is defeated; and the One Ring is destroyed, Frodo and Sam are lying prone on a huge rock in Mordor. Rivers of lava flow by. In the distance, eagles fly towards them. Gandalf is on the back of one. The eagles caw as they fly towards Frodo and Sam.
GANDALF: “Be quiet! I don’t want to wake them up while they’re sleeping.”
EAGLE #1: “Oh, sorry! Sorry!”
They fly in and begin to pick up the two hobbits one by one.
GANDALF: (to Eagle #1) “Okay, you. Grab that one.”
The first eagle picks Frodo up carefully in his claws.
GANDALF: (to Eagle #2) “And you, grab that fat one over there.”
Sam wakes up.
SAM: (protests) “I’m not fat for crying out loud! How many times do I have to tell you?! I know that it may be the end of me, but I’ll tell you one thing before I die! I’M NOT FAT…”
Sam’s words are drowned out as the second eagle picks him up carefully in her claws and takes him away. Gandalf and the eagles fly off, as they carry Frodo and Sam with them. Frodo lies back with his eyes closed whilst Sam rants away about not being fat.
Sometime later, Frodo is lying in bed. Birds are singing in the background. Gradually, Frodo wakes up and sits up in bed. Coming round, he looks to see, as Gandalf is sitting at the bottom of his bed.
FRODO: (confused) “Who are you?”
GANDALF: “Who’d you think? Your mother?”
FRODO: (gradually; realises) “Is it…are you…Gandalf?”
GANDALF: “Yeah, it’s me.”
GANDALF: “Yeah, it’s me.”
FRODO: (excited) “GANDALF!”
GANDALF: (shouts) “YES!!!!!”
FRODO: (overjoyed) “YIPPEE!!!!”
Frodo jumps up out of bed and wraps his arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes.
FRODO: (overjoyed) “Oh Gandalf! I’m so glad to see you again!”
GANDALF: (chokes) “I feel like I’m back at the wagon!”
As Frodo reunites with Merry and Pippin on the bed, Gimli comes through the door and spreads his arms out wide.
GIMLI: “You remembered my name! I LOVE YOU!!!!”
Gimli charges towards Frodo and gives him a bear hug, causing the bed to collapse.
At Aragorn’s coronation as the King of Gondor, he meets up with Legolas and puts his hand on his shoulder.
ARAGORN: “Thank you, Legolas. And I’m glad throughout our journey; you managed to keep your flowing blonde hair.”
LEGOLAS: “What hair? I’m bald now.”
ARAGORN: “Are you?”
Legolas takes off his wig to show his bald head.
LEGOLAS: “See? Now I’m bald.”
ARAGORN: “Oh yes, so you are.”
Days later, back in the Shire, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are at the Green Dragon. Sam makes a bet with Merry.
SAM: “I’ll make a bet with you, Merry. If I ask the barmaid to marry me and she says “yes”, you owe me ten quid.”
MERRY: “You’re on!”
With that, Sam finishes his drink, as he gets up and goes over to Rosie.
SAM: “Um…Woman! Will you…?”
FRODO: (calls) “Sam, Sam! Her name’s Rosie.”
SAM: (dismissively) “Shut up! I’ll call her what I want to!” (to Rosie) “PIG!!! Will you…?”
A few days later, Sam and Rosie are married.
FRODO: “Sam, what about your other wives?”
SAM: “I’ll attend to them later on.” (calls) “Yes, first wife; second wife; third wife and fourth wife. Wait for me back at your homes. I have a honeymoon with my fifth wife to enjoy!”
FRODO: (sighs; contented) “Everybody’s happy.”
MERRY: “No, they’re not! I lost my bet to Sam, remember? I owed him ten quid.”
PIPPIN: “I ended up owing him twenty quid in our bet if he didn’t marry Woman-Rosie-Pig.”
Days later, inside the cart travelling through the countryside to the Grey Havens, Frodo and Bilbo sit together. Bilbo is now very elderly.
FRODO: “My name’s Frodo, Bilbo.”
BILBO: “Frodo! Have you got the ring?”
FRODO: “The ring?”
BILBO: “Yes. The one I gave you. Haven’t you got it?”
A moment of silence ensues.
BILBO: (shocked) “Aww, I’m so upset! And after all this time…”
Bilbo ends up snoring and sleeping away on Frodo’s shoulder.
FRODO: “Goodnight, Bilbo.”
Frodo falls asleep too.
At the Grey Havens, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin help Bilbo, who uses his walking stick, to the harbour with Gandalf behind him. As they approach, Bilbo looks up and gasps loudly three times.
BILBO: (amazed) “Well! Here’s a sight that I’ve never seen before.”
SAM: “What about your trip to Barry Island?”
Bilbo ignores Sam, as he bows to Elrond, Celeborn and Galadriel who greet them.
GALADRIEL: “The power of the three rings has ended. The time has come…for the dimension of men!”
ELROND: “Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.”
Bilbo smiles, as Elrond spreads his arms wide out to him.
ELROND: “Come with us.”
A moment of silence ensues.
BILBO: (excitedly) “I feel quite ready for another adventure! Yippee!!!”
Bilbo walks forward, dropping the walking stick and making his way over to Elrond.
SAM: “You don’t need the walking stick anymore, do you?”
With that, Bilbo boards the ship at the harbour with Elrond following behind him. Celeborn soon boards the ship with Galadriel following behind him.
GALADRIEL: “We shall board the ship too!”
LEGOLAS: “And me! I’m coming with you, pretty lady.”
Legolas follows behind Galadriel.
GIMLI: “And I’m coming too, sexy thing.”
Gimli licks his lips, as he follows Legolas aboard the ship.
Meanwhile, Gandalf turns to address Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin.
GANDALF: “Farewell, my stupid, pathetic hobbits. My work is finished.”
Frodo, Merry and Pippin meanwhile bursts into tears.
GANDALF: (annoyed) “Oh don’t cry! I’m just an old wizard. You’re not going to lose much sleep over me.”
SAM: “I’m upset you’re going. Can’t you give me any more allowance money so I can do my betting?”
GANDALF: “No, from now on, you’re on your own.”
Gandalf soon boards the ship, but then realises…
GANDALF: “Oh, I forgot Frodo.”
He makes his way back to the hobbits.
GANDALF: “It is time, Frodo.”
FRODO: (puzzled) “What, pardon?”
GANDALF: “Remember that chat we had?”
FRODO: (remembers) “Oh yes, sorry. I forgot.” (to Sam; Merry; Pippin) “Err, guys! Guys, I’m leaving!”
Sam clenches his fist in joy.
Once Frodo has gone and boarded the ship sailing off to the Grey Havens…
MERRY: “Aww, I’m sad Frodo’s gone.”
PIPPIN: “Yeah. I miss him already.”
SAM: (annoyed) “He gave me a book?! What kind of a stupid idiot does that?”
Back in Hobbiton, Sam returns home, drunk and disorderly. His children and his wife Rosie come out to meet him.
ROSIE: “How was your day, dear?”
SAM: “Get me food and drink, woman!”
ROSIE: “Say hello to the kiddies.”
SAM: “Get off, you rats!”
ROSIE: “So, how did it go today?”
SAM: “I don’t know how it went today. I’ve had too many beers to think about it.”
ROSIE: (gradually) “Didn’t you learn anything from your trip with Frodo, Sam?”
SAM: (thinks) “Yes, I did actually. Never trust a person like Frodo again.” (Pause) “In other words, no! Of course, I didn’t learn anything. I just want to go in, have beer, sit down and watch telly. That is all I want.”
As Sam makes his way into his home with Rosie and the children, he soon says the final line of the film as well as ‘The Lord of the Rings’ book.
SAM: (belches) “Any more beer?”
Tim: “No, Sam! Say the line you’re supposed to say!”
SAM: (sighs; annoyed) “Alright! “Well, I’m back!” Happy now?”
Once Sam and his family are in their home, they close the door. And then it collapses.
But it all turned out to be a dream and Frodo woke up.
FRODO: (realises) “Oh. It was all a dream.”
FRODO’S MUM: (from downstairs) “Breakfast, North! And Merry Christmas!”