‘Time Burp’, Part One

Roll original 1982 Peter Davison opening credits


SCENE #1 – INT – TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM – N/A
The Doctor drags in a large contraption into the TARDIS console room. He strains at pushing the item in whilst Nyssa and Billy watch him. He stops, having got the machine into the room and breathes a sigh of relief.

DOCTOR
(relieved) “There! Got it in! Thank goodness for that!”

BILLY
“Doctor, what is that big lump of metal? Looks like something from the circus.”

DOCTOR
“This lump of metal as you call it Billy happens to be my Time-Space Visualiser. Everybody in the universe should have one. At least they will do.”

BILLY
“Yeah but what have you brought it in here for? What does it do anyway?”

DOCTOR
“It’s a machine that picks up images of any event in any particular history. It converts light energy neutrons into electrical impulses. Light energy plus light mass. Both are equal when the energy’s radiated by a light neutron of course.”

NYSSA
“Basically what the Doctor means is anything that happens in our universe is picked up by this machine and is recorded in light neutrons from the mass and energy it absorbs.”

DOCTOR
“Yes thank you, Nyssa. I just said that.”

BILLY
“You mean…like signals picked up by a satellite to transmit certain images to a television.”

DOCTOR
“Precisely. A sort of time television if you will. People can tune into it – any time; any place; any event in history. All thanks to Der Haff’s law of mass absorbed by light with energy.”

NYSSA
“I’m curious as Billy is, Doctor. Why have you brought it in here?”

DOCTOR
“To repair it. I was sorting out the storage cupboards and found it abandoned. I felt it needed a good maintenance check-up on the televisual imagery of events. Haven’t used this beauty in a long time but…”

Suddenly the TARDIS shudders for a moment. The Doctor, Nyssa and Billy are thrown off-balance as a beeping alarm goes off.

DOCTOR
“Well, I wasn’t expecting that.”

NYSSA
“Doctor, something’s gone wrong with the TARDIS.”

BILLY
“I think that’s pretty obvious, Nyssa.”

DOCTOR
“Hang on. Let me check the vortex meters and see…”

Just then, the beeping alarm stops. A moment of silence ensues.

NYSSA
“Doctor. The alarm just stopped.”

DOCTOR
“So I’ve ascertained.”

The Doctor then goes the TARDIS console and presses a few switches on it to check some readings. The Doctor soon registers something from the console.

DOCTOR
“Something’s wrong here. Something’s infiltrating its way into the TARDIS. Apparently the ship’s shield defences are down.”

A static noise echoes as if something’s being switched on.

BILLY
“Hey, Doctor! Behind you! Your time-telly’s just switched on.”

The Doctor, Nyssa and Billy turn to see the Time-Space Visualiser switched on.

NYSSA
“That’s not normal I gather.”

DOCTOR
“No. Usually it does tend to make an irritating noise when it’s switched on.”

BILLY
“Nice pictures mind.”

DOCTOR
(anxiously) “This can’t be right. All the pictures are in colour. They’re usually black and white.”

Suddenly, a strange loud catchy TV theme tune is played in the TARDIS console room. The music similar to Harry Hill’s ‘TV Burp’ theme tune.

NYSSA
“Doctor, where’s that coming from? That isn’t the cloister bell.”

BILLY
“This is getting weirder every minute. Next thing we’ll have a man popping in.”

Just then, a materialisation takes place. A desk appears with a man sitting behind it in the room. The catchy TV theme tune slowly draws to a close once the man appears. The Doctor, Nyssa and Billy are astonished.

NYSSA
“It’s a man! A man at a desk!”

BILLY
“I was kidding!”

The man ignores the Doctor, Nyssa and Billy as he first converses with some imaginary person off-stage and then turns to face an imaginary audience.

KNITTER
(exclaims) “Oh! Hello there! And welcome to ‘Time Burp’! The show that presents funny outlooks on historical events from the past of the universe. First up, Abraham Lincoln sounding like a pig in eighteen fifty-four.”

The Time-Space Visualiser changes and displays Abraham Lincoln giving his Peoria speech in 1854.

LINCOLN (V’O)
“Nearly eighty years ago, we began by declaring that all man are created equal; but now from that beginning…” (snorts like a pig) “…we have run down to the other declaration…”

Back in the TARDIS…

KNITTER
(continues) “…Actor being kneed in the groin by a ghost in original Shakespeare play ‘Hamlet’ all those years ago…”

The Time-Space Visualiser changes and displays a ‘Hamlet’ production at the Globe Theatre with a Hamlet actor performing his lines.

HAMLET ACTOR (V’O)
(acts) “To be…or not to be…that is the question.” (puffs) “Ooh!!”

Back in the TARDIS…

KNITTER
(continues) “…And a citizen of the planet Mot in the Esiruc System shocked by his own stubble.”

The Time-Space Visualiser changes and displays a Mot Alien inspecting his own stubble.

MOT ALIEN (V’O)
(gruffly) “Hmm. What’s that?”

The Mot alien then shrieks in terror when he reacts to his stubble. He falls over. Back in the TARDIS…

KNITTER
(to imaginary audience) “Hmm, yes! Now have you ever wondered what’s going on in…?”

DOCTOR
(interrupts) “Excuse me? Just who do you think you are and what are you doing here?”

KNITTER
(to Doctor) “Excuse me, mate! I’ve got a show to run. I’m…” (realises) “Wait a minute! What are you doing in my show?”

DOCTOR
“Your show? What are you doing in my ship?”

KNITTER
“Your ship?” (realises) ““Oh yes! I thought this wasn’t the TV centre. I’m most sorry…” (astonished) “Hang on! Have I seen you somewhere before?”

DOCTOR
(grudgingly) “I very much doubt it!”

KNITTER
“No wait, I know you!” (thrilled) “Yes! You’re the Doctor!”

DOCTOR
(puzzled) “I’m sorry!”

KNITTER
“Yes! You’re the Doctor! The travelling Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. Allow me to introduce myself! I’m Knitter! Mr. Timothy Deathrow Knitter!”

NYSSA
(intrigued; to Knitter) “You know the Doctor then?”

KNITTER
“Oh I should say everybody knows the Doctor! Great to see you, Doctor! This is a most terrific honour for me!”

Knitter immediately shakes the Doctor by the hand.

DOCTOR
(disgruntled) “Thanks. Look I don’t mean to sound unreasonable but…”

KNITTER
“Oh it’s alright. I know all about you, Doctor. You in your current incarnation that is. You and your friends: Nyssa and Billy. You make a good ‘time team’.” (laughs) “Get it? Time team?”

NYSSA
“No. We don’t.”

KNITTER
(appalled) “Aww, shame! People don’t watch old TV programmes anymore.” (Pause) “Anyway, I come from the twenty-fourth TV centre in the twenty-fourth century.”

DOCTOR
“Twenty-fourth TV centre? Never heard of it.”

KNITTER
“Well you haven’t been there, have you? Anyhow I make a TV show that’s all about comedy and it’s full of jokes. Viewers can watch past, present and future events and I make fun of them. See?”

DOCTOR
“Nearly. Just like my Time-Space Visualiser, except I can watch events peacefully and quietly. And only watch events in the past.”

KNITTER
“Yes that’s a bit of a naff piece of junk you’ve got there, Doctor. Not up-to-date with temporal TV are you. Your pictures weren’t even in colour. I’ve upgraded it for you.”

DOCTOR
(shocked) “You’ve been tampering with my Time-Space Visualiser? Deliberately I add?”

KNITTER
“Only for the time being. So that I can present my show here.”

DOCTOR
“Sorry, I don’t follow.”

KNITTER
“Well that’s why I’m here. To present my TV show in your TARDIS!” (Pause) “Oh, by the way! I’d like to introduce you to somebody.” (calls) “Oy! Knitted Character!”

Just then, out of nowhere, a cute cuddly knitted bear pops out. It makes its way towards Knitter at his desk.

NYSSA
“What’s that?”

KNITTER
“Ah there he is!” (to Doctor; Nyssa; Billy) “Doctor; Nyssa; Billy. Allow me to introduce you to my little friend – the Knitted Character.”

KNITTED CHARACTER
(squeaks; to Doctor) “Hello, Doc! Nice to meet you!”

NYSSA
“The Knitted Character?”

KNITTER
“Hmm. He’s my pet.”

BILLY
“Aww, Nyssa and I have something like that too! Look!”

Billy then picks up Cuddles, which he had on the TARDIS console earlier.

BILLY
“Here he is! This is Cuddles!” Nyssa’s cuddly toy dog! I bought that for her when we were in Bath.”

KNITTER
(unimpressed) “Yeah. Right.”

DOCTOR
(interrupts) “Mr. Knitter!”

KNITTER
“Timmy! Call me Timmy! Everybody calls me Timmy!”

DOCTOR
(agitated) “Mr. Knitter, I’d like to know what it is you’re doing here…”

KNITTER
“Oh look! There’s something on your screen there, Doctor!”

DOCTOR
“Pardon?”

NYSSA
(realises) “He’s right, Doctor. Look!”

The Doctor, Nyssa and Billy look to see, as a battle rages on a distant planet in the past. The warriors fighting are familiar to the TARDIS trio.

BILLY
“Doctor! There are Sontarans on your time telly!”

NYSSA
“Sontarans! We’re seeing Sontarans during an historical event!”

DOCTOR
“Yes, Nyssa! Like I said. Light neutrons are picked up from any historical event to this.”

KNITTER
“Yeah! You three fought Sontarans before, haven’t you? In Stockbridge!”

BILLY
“Yes we did!”

KNITTER
“I’ve read that story so many times, I really enjoyed it! Although putting it bluntly, I think the monsters could have been scarier!”

NYSSA
“What do you mean, Mr. Knitter?”

KNITTER
“Well I mean, ‘come on’! Get real! Sontarans! Everybody remarks on the fact that they’re like jacket potatoes on legs.” (aside; freaky eater) “Chippy chips!”

DOCTOR
(retorts) “They’re one of the fearsome races in the universe! The mighty Sontaran has a league of great warriors!”

KNITTER
“Yeah but still…you do wonder ‘what a bunch of potato heads are doing fighting in war’. You can imagine what it’d be like to eat a Sontaran, couldn’t you?” (aside; freaky eater) “Chips; baked beans; sausages; mashed potatoes!”

Suddenly a Sontaran appears in the console room after being teleported.

BILLY
“Oh no!”

NYSSA
“Doctor, there’s a Sontaran with us!”

SONTARAN
(growls) “Who dares to make an insult to the glorious Sontaran empire?!”

DOCTOR
(to Knitter) “Did you bring that Sontaran into my TARDIS, Knitter?!”

KNITTER
(to Doctor) “Hey! It’s all part of the show isn’t it, Doctor!”

SONTARAN
(accusingly; to Knitter) “You! Man with no hair! You mock us Sontarans for our true potential in battle! You shall die!”

The Sontaran charges at Knitter before Knitter stops him.

KNITTER
(to Sontaran) “Don’t fight me! You’re supposed to be fighting Rutans! I’m not a Rutan!”

SONTARAN
“Those who mock the Sontarans never come back alive!”

KNITTER
“It’s not me you want, Sonty! It’s him over there!”

DOCTOR
“What?”

SONTARAN
(realises) “You! You are the Doc-tor! We recognise your appearance!”

NYSSA
(shocked; to Knitter) “Knitter, how could you?!”

BILLY
(to Doctor) “Doctor, get back!”

SONTARAN
(to Doctor) “You shall die for the crimes you have committed against the Sontaran race, Doc-tor!”

The Sontaran makes to charge at the Doctor before he gets knocked on the probic vent by Knitter. The Sontaran hisses in pain before collapsing to the floor. Knitter looks over the Sontaran, self-satisfied with himself as he holds a mallet in his hand.

KNITTER
“Hmm. There you are. That sorted him out. Good thing I’ve got this mallet from somewhere.” (to Sontaran) “Off you go, Sontaran! Back in time!”

The Sontaran is then teleported out of the TARDIS and off back in time. The Doctor, Nyssa and Billy are still shocked by the experience.

BILLY
“Has…has he gone then?”

NYSSA
“Back in time to the battlefield.”

DOCTOR
“Yes. He’ll be pretty confused when he gets back. That is more than I can say for us at the moment!” (frustrated; to Knitter) “Just what game is it you’re playing, Knitter?”

KNITTER
(cheekily) “Game? You want to play tennis? Though cricket’s more your thing isn’t it, Doctor?”

DOCTOR
(insistently) “Tell us what you’re doing here, Knitter!”

A moment of tense silence ensues.

KNITTER
(gradually) “Well…since you asked nicely Doctor, I do have a bit of a confession to make.”

DOCTOR
“Why am I not surprised?”

KNITTER
“You see Doctor, I’ve often been fascinated by how you managed to defeat all your foes in your adventures through time and space. Particularly those dastardly pepper pots which are on your screen now!”

The TARDIS trio look to the screen of the Time-Space Visualiser as they see a number of Daleks on screen, chanting their war-cry out loud.

DALEKS (V’O)
(chanting) “Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! [Daleks conquer and destroy…”]

The Doctor, Nyssa and Billy are uneasy seeing the Daleks on screen.

DOCTOR
“Daleks!”

NYSSA
(shocked; to Knitter) “So you show Daleks on your TV show as well, do you?! The most evil creatures in the universe; the worst enemies of the Doctor and you show them!”

KNITTER
(casually) “Yeah, that’s the thing you see. I like the Doctor very much! But then I also like the Daleks a lot too! But which is better?”

DOCTOR
“What?”

KNITTER
(builds up) “There’s only one way to find out!” (cries) “FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Within seconds, a Dalek materialises inside the TARDIS console room via teleportation. The Dalek turns to look at the Doctor, Nyssa and Billy.

DALEK
“Halt! You are the Doc-tor! You are the enemy of the Daleks!”

BILLY
“Doctor, there’s a Dalek in here with us!”

DOCTOR
(cries; urgently) “Nyssa; Billy! Get back!”

NYSSA
“It’s even got a golden gun!”

DOCTOR
(shouts; urgently) “Get back I said; you two! Get back!”

The Dalek glides towards the Doctor, Nyssa and Billy. They move back away from the Dalek in the console room.

DALEK
“You are to be exterminated! Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!!!!”

The Dalek fires its golden gun at the Doctor, Nyssa and Billy, missing them by a shot. Knitter comes up behind the Dalek with his mallet, before turning to face his imaginary audience.

KNITTER
(to audience) “See you after the break!”

Knitter then hits the Dalek with the mallet.

KNITTER
(shouts) “No, Dalek! NO!!!!!”

DALEK
“Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!!!!!!”


Sting music. Roll original 1982 Peter Davison end credits.


© Tim Bradley, 2018

Go back to

Go next to

Return to Time Burp
Return to The Fifth Doctor by Tim Bradley
Return to Doctor Who
Return to Sci-Fi

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.