‘The Space Hotel’, Part One, Chapter 2

2. Cooper and Hill

SCENE #12 – INT – CARGO BAY #4, LEVEL #81 – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
Electrics and sparks fly about as people help with sorting the rubble piled around the spaceship that has crashed into Cargo Bay #4. This ship happens to be a space freighter. There is a lot of hustle and bustle, as the hotel staff and crewmen sort things out.

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SCENE #13 – INT – LARRY’S FREIGHTER – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
In the cockpit of the freighter, two bumbling businessmen are inside. They have the reputation of being a future ‘Laurel & Hardy’. They’re called Larry Cooper and Bob Hill. Larry is very frustrated at having his own space freighter smashed through the hotel walls.

LARRY
Well this is nice fine mess, isn’t it?! We’ve come here to spend a nice time in a hotel by the book, and we crash through a wall on our first day! I told you we should have listened to the docking instructions more carefully! (Pause) Bob? Bob, are you listening to me?

BOB
Oh dear. Bertie’s being told off by Spode.

LARRY
Never mind your ‘Code of the Woosters’ book, Bob! We’ve got plenty of time for that! What will the manager say?

BOB
Quite a lot I should imagine.

LARRY
I hope our business partner won’t have to wait long for us to get out of this.

BOB
Oh don’t worry, Larry! I should imagine she’ll be having her fish and chips! I can smell them from the stratosphere of a two tonned comet!

LARRY
Fish and chips! Don’t you ever think of anything else, Bob?

BOB
Yes I do, Larry.

LARRY
Oh really? What?

BOB
Pie and chips!

LARRY
(sighs) How’s our youngster in the back? Is he alright?

BOB
Yeah he’s fine, Larry. Bit green though.

LARRY
Well, of course he’s green! He’s just been in space, you idiot! (Pause) I hope the things we’ve got to show to our fine client haven’t been damaged. What did you do with the stuff, Bob?

BOB
Eh?

LARRY
What did you do with the stuff?

BOB
I put it in with your luggage?

LARRY
Oh I see. (Pause; shocked) What?! Have I been carrying your luggage all the time then?

BOB
(cheeringly) Yes.

LARRY
No wonder it was a hard job at the stellar port! Next time, take your stinking stuff in your own bags!

BOB
I can’t.

LARRY
Why not?

BOB
I left my bags at home when we left.

LARRY
Oh, what am I going to do with you?

The passenger in the back suddenly wakes up, as he come round from his sleep. The passenger happens to be a young man named Joel. Larry and Bob notice that he’s woken up.

BOB
(realises) Oh look! Look, Larry! He’s waking up!

LARRY
Ah. (to Joel) Hello lad! You alright?

JOEL
No, I’m not! I’m dizzy and fed up! Not to mention, this place stinks.

BOB
Ah. That was me, sorry.

LARRY
Bob, stop that!

BOB
I can’t help it. I’m not used to flying these crates.

LARRY
This isn’t a crate! It’s my freighter! And you had no right to fly it!

Someone flies up from outside. Bob and Larry look to see someone on rockets looking in at them from the window, outside. It is Bruce the android.

BRUCE
You had no right to fly in at all. It was rather stupid.

BOB
(realises) Larry! There’s a robot outside!

BRUCE
Android! Why does everybody keep confusing me with a robot? I’m an android for pity’s sake. Not that I’m bothered with people mistaking me for one. I usually would prefer to be a robot than look like all you humans. (groans) Oh, I’m so tired.

LARRY
Had bad nightmares then?

BRUCE
(groans) Oh, if only I had! Are you booking a room here by any chance?

BOB
We had thought to before we crashed in here.

BRUCE
Well, when you do, could you swap my room with yours? My room’s so terrible! So, so, so, so, so, so…and so, so, so, so….what’s the word I’m looking for?

BOB
(thinks) Um? Terrible?

BRUCE
I was going to say that! Why do humans always finish what I’m going to say? I’m supposed to be superior in many ways, aren’t I?

JOEL
(interrupts) Cut the chat will you Bruce and get us out of this dump.

BRUCE
Yes, Master Rotenhend.

BOB
Master?

LARRY
Are you in charge of this place, lad?

JOEL
Don’t call me, lad! And no, I’m not.

LARRY
Ah well, glad to meet you anyway. I’m Mr. Larry Cooper and this is my partner, Mr. Bob Hill. Say hello, Bob Hill.

BOB
Hello, Bob Hill.

LARRY
Oh, I can’t take you anywhere.

JOEL
If you two are thinking of staying at this place…you’d better watch out for my father. He can really shout his head off.

BOB
Like I said, Larry. He’ll have quite a lot to say, I imagine.

Larry, Bob and Joel wait patiently, as Bruce the android and many others help sort out the rubble and mess in the space craft.

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SCENE #14 – INT – CORRIDOR, LEVEL #26 – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
Meanwhile the Doctor, Nyssa and Billy walk down a corridor after leaving their room.

NYSSA
(curiously) Where are you going, Doctor?

DOCTOR
To the lobby. I want to find out from reception what caused that malfunction in our room.

NYSSA
Could this relate to how the TARDIS got here?

DOCTOR
I don’t think so. But it could be a link to what’s going on with the TARDIS. The littlest things are often the cause for the greatest disasters. And I definitely would like to see someone about my trousers after that tea spillage. (to Billy) And Billy, you’re just not listening to me! You’re just staring into space!

NYSSA
Billy?

Billy is transfixed when he looks out of a hotel window.

DOCTOR
(shouts) Billy!

Billy is startled before he calms down.

BILLY
(startled) Yes, sorry, Doctor. It’s… It’s just amazing! We’re in space! After all those space missions I saw on TV, they’ve finally managed to do it. (Pause) It’s wonderful.

DOCTOR
Yes, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Billy, but we need to…

NYSSA
(interjects) It is wonderful. It’s easy to forget when you see wonderful things as this.

DOCTOR
Nyssa!

NYSSA
What?

DOCTOR
We haven’t got time for this! I need to see someone about my trousers! I hope to get compensation for this.

NYSSA
There’s no need to fuss over a pair of trousers, Doctor.

DOCTOR
(shocked) No need to fuss?!

A radio noise blares out, as someone speaks on the tannoy. It is Gordon Rotenhead, who is irritated and annoyed.

GORDON (V’O)
(loudly) Attention! Attention all, you bozos and nitwits! This is Mr. Rotenhend, manager of Rotenhend Hotel 360 speaking! So shut up and listen to me while I’m talking to you! Okay!

BILLY
(startled) What was that?

NYSSA
It seems Mr. Rotenhend, the hotel manager, is about to make another announcement. He does shout a lot, doesn’t he?

DOCTOR
Let’s hear what he has to say.

The trio listen in, as Gordon continues speaking on the tannoy.

GORDON (V’O)
Now just to inform you, a space freighter flown by a couple of lunatics has just crashed into this finely established hotel…unfortunately. (Pause) Welcome to those who have just crashed into my hotel wall in the cargo bay, whoever you are. Before I start, I just want you to know that I’m not happy. (raises voice) I’ve worked hard getting this hotel running and I don’t see why new guests have to come here and keep on messing my life whilst I’ve got too much work to do! [I’m having a wasteful and very unhappy marriage at the moment! And I don’t see why everybody should be enjoying themselves all the time while I worry! Furthermore, I don’t see why people expect me to be hospitable, helpful and charmingly friendly when I’m trying to run a hotel. All you do is stick your noses into every corner and looking for plenty of things to complain about, don’t you…]

Whilst Gordon makes this unfriendly announcement, the Doctor, Nyssa and Billy debate.

DOCTOR
Well, at least we know what happened when the tea spilled on me.

NYSSA
Do you still intend to go to the lobby, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Yes, I do.

NYSSA
You won’t get much from the hotel staff. Especially not from that hotel manager.

DOCTOR
No, I won’t. But at least I can get my curiosity satisfied if I ask the properly considered questions in mind.

BILLY
And what questions are you going to ask them, Doctor?

DOCTOR
I don’t know. I haven’t considered them properly yet.

BILLY
Well, shall I arrange an outing or something in one of those fantasy make-believe rooms or something?

NYSSA
They’re called simi-suites, Billy.

BILLY
Alright, simi-suites. I’ve still got my camera. We can go out and enjoy ourselves for a bit whist we’re still here at the hotel.

DOCTOR
This isn’t a holiday, Billy. We could be in serious danger for all we know if we stay here.

NYSSA
But we can try and blend in with what the other guests are doing, Doctor. We can avoid being suspicious-looking to the naked eyes of other guests.

DOCTOR
Fair point. (Pause; to Billy) Alright, Billy. You and Nyssa sort out something in one of the simi-suites and I’ll join you as soon as I can. I’ll let you know of anything strange or suspicious.

NYSSA
Yes, Doctor.

BILLY
That’s fine by me.

DOCTOR
Good.

They listen in, as Gordon finishes his announcement on the tannoy.

GORDON (V’O)
[…Now as you are all aware, the Weerds are coming to visit my spectacularly amazing and five-star if not ten-star hotel.] So please do be nice and friendly to the Weerds when they arrive soon. They have less fun appeal as a Piratin’s ompsadaysy. Right, I’ve finished. So you can get back to…whatever you want to do. Okay! And I’ll kill you if you found my announcement boring.

Gordon finishes, cutting and switching off from the intercom.

BILLY
(sarcastically) Pleasant fellow, isn’t he?

NYSSA
(wryly) Very pleasant.

DOCTOR
Right. I’ll see you two later.

NYSSA
Take care, Doctor.

DOCTOR
I will.

The Doctor departs. Billy and Nyssa are left together.

BILLY
Right, now how shall we arrange a visit to one of the…simi-suites?

NYSSA
We can try the interface on the wall. It can help with any queries through voice activation.

BILLY
Okay. I’ll see if I can switch it on.

They go to the interface on the wall.

NYSSA
Billy, wait. Perhaps I’d better do it! I might know how to operate the interface more effectively than you do.

BILLY
(reassuringly) No, it’s alright. I’ll do it.

NYSSA
But Billy…

Billy attends to the interface.

BILLY
Now, let’s see which button to press. Eeny meeny miny mo.

Billy presses a button. A female computer voice speaks.

COMPUTER VOICE
Room service.

BILLY
(panics; to computer) Oh no! No, no, no. I don’t want room service, thank you.

COMPUTER VOICE
Room service.

NYSSA
(to computer) We wish to book a simi-suite.

COMPUTER VOICE
If you require room service, press ‘Talk Back’ on your interface.

BILLY
(baffled) Talk back? (to Nyssa) Talk back, Nyssa?

NYSSA
It’s that button there, Billy.

BILLY
Oh right.

Billy presses the ‘talk back’ button on the interface.

BILLY
(to computer) Uh, hello. I’d like to arrange a booking for one of the…err…

NYSSA
Simi-suites.

BILLY
(to computer) Simi-suites, please.

COMPUTER VOICE
This is room service.

BILLY
(agitated, to computer) Yes, I know that! You told us that already for goodness sake!”

NYSSA
(to Billy) It’s a computer, Billy. It won’t understand your agitation. (to computer) How do we book for one of the simi-suites?

COMPUTER VOICE
For simi-suite booking, please access simi-suite book on fifty-ninth level.

BILLY
(to computer) Thank you. (confused) Um, how do we access the simi-suite book?

COMPUTER VOICE
Access simu-suite interface on fifty-ninth level.

BILLY
(to computer) And where is the interface?

COMPUTER VOICE
On the fifty-ninth level.

BILLY
(slightly annoyed, to computer) And where is the fifty-ninth level?

COMPUTER VOICE
Seven levels down where you are.

BILLY
(sighs, to computer) Thanks very much. Signing off. Over and out.

Billy then switches off the ‘talk back’ button.

BILLY
(annoyed, to Nyssa) Why couldn’t she say go down to the fifty-ninth floor? That would have been easier to understand.

NYSSA
Voice-activated computers are precise and specific on what they say, Billy. They just state specific details.

BILLY
It’s more like reading from a textbook.

NYSSA
We’d better go to the fifty-ninth floor.

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SCENE #15 – INT – LOBBY, LEVEL #1 – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
Back at reception in the lobby on Level #1, Gordon is there fuming about the incident with the freighter crashing into his hotel. Elizabeth is with him at reception.

GORDON
Builders. (shouts) Builders!

ELIZABETH
You get what you pay for, Gordon! If we’re going to have that hole fixed…

GORDON
(shouts; interrupts) I don’t see why it’s got to be fixed! I’m not having builders in my hotel! They do their…things whenever they’re about!

ELIZABETH
The hotel was bound to get damaged anyway, Gordon.

GORDON
Woman! Have you ever considered the fact that builders might be expensive?

ELIZABETH
Not really, no.

GORDON
(shouts loudly) NO!!! And why not? Because you always go for Rothenberg! He’ll do a good job!

ELIZABETH
Well, that’s what we want, isn’t it? We don’t want a badly built hotel, do we? Rothenberg’s a professional. Unlike that Spacey man.

GORDON
Spacey will do a good job as well! And at a very low price!

Enuji then enters, carrying a tray.

ENUJI
Voom service. Voom service.

ELIZABETH
(to Enuji) Err, Enuji. Come here.

Enuji approaches reception.

ENUJI
Wee?

ELIZABETH
It’s room service.

ENUJI
(thinks) Vroom service.

ELIZABETH
No, Enuji. Room, room. Rrr, rrr.

ENUJI
Room, room. Rrr, rrr.

ELIZABETH
Yes, that’s it. That’s it.

ENUJI
Ah! Room servise!

ELIZABETH
Never mind!

GORDON
And girl! (slowly) There is too much ketchup in those hot dogs!

ENUJI
Coo?

GORDON
There is too much ketchup in those hot dogs!

ENUJI
Coo?

GORDON
There is too much…oh forget it! (to Elizabeth) You Elizabeth, sort this brat out!

There’s a loud ding-ding from the reception desk bell that makes Gordon jump.

GORDON
(startled) What’s that?!

Gordon looks to see the Doctor at the reception desk, as he’s just rung the bell.

DOCTOR
Excuse me?

GORDON
What do you want?

DOCTOR
Are you sure this hotel’s meant to be here?

GORDON
(angrily) What?

ELIZABETH
What do you mean by that, sir?

DOCTOR
Oh, just a stray thought. Now I wonder if you can help me with something. If that’s alright?

GORDON
A query?

DOCTOR
Yes.

GORDON
(raises voice) You have a query?!

DOCTOR
Yes.

GORDON
(angrily) By the hounds of…

ELIZABETH
(interrupts) Uh, what is it we can do for you, sir?

DOCTOR
Well, I was wondering…

GORDON
(interrupts; loudly) Blah, blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, blah, blah…

ELIZABETH
(sharply) Gordon! Will you stop being so rude!

GORDON
(sardonically) Duh! Sorry! I didn’t realise!

ELIZABETH
(to Doctor) My apologies, Mr…?

DOCTOR
Doctor.

ELIZABETH
Oh, Doctor. Sorry.

GORDON
Doctor?

DOCTOR
Yes.

GORDON
(overly-politely) Welcome to our hotel, Doctor! We’re very honoured to have you here!

DOCTOR
(bemused) Well, thank you, I…

GORDON
Anything you wish, we will provide! Won’t we, Elizabeth dear?

ELIZABETH
Yes we will, Gordon! Just you remember that, right?

GORDON
Of course! How could I not? (to Doctor) And is there anything we can do for you, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Well, yes. As I was saying, I was wondering if I could…

Bruce the android then enters, escorting Larry, Bob and Joel.

BRUCE
Mr. Rotenhend.

GORDON
Not now, Bruce. (to Doctor) Yes, Doctor. Continue.

DOCTOR
Thank you. I was wondering…

BRUCE
Mr. Rotenhend.

GORDON
(shouts) Go away, Bruce! Can’t you see I’m busy?

BRUCE
Mr. Rotenhend.

GORDON
Shut up!

ELIZABETH
What is it, Bruce?

BRUCE
I’ve brought the two men.

GORDON
Shut up!!! (Pause) Now as I was saying… (shouts; at Larry and Bob) Shut up!!!

BOB
I didn’t say anything!

LARRY
Bob, don’t talk!

GORDON
Shut up!!!

ELIZABETH
Stop it, Gordon.

GORDON
Shut up!!!

DOCTOR
Excuse me…

GORDON
Shut up!!! (realises; corrects himself) Oh. OH!!! I’m so sorry, Doctor. I didn’t mean to…

BRUCE
(interjects) I’ve brought the two men from the crashed spaceship.

ELIZABETH
Yes, thank you, Bruce.

BRUCE
Can I go now? I want to lubricate myself.

LARRY
(interjects) Hiya! I’m Mr. Cooper and this is Mr. Hill.

BOB
(cheerfully) Hello!

LARRY
Sorry for smashing into your hotel like that. A slight mishap with the controls. Wasn’t it, Bob?

BOB
It was more than a slight mishap, Larry. We’re going to have to pay a lot for it.

LARRY
Yes. And I know who’ll do the paying.

BOB
Who will?

LARRY
You.

BOB
Me?

GORDON
(loudly) Make up your mind which one of you is going to pay! That wall cost me parsecs of gold! I had to sacrifice my money’s worth of feeding Pedigree to my dog every day! (sobs) And he’s dead!

DOCTOR
(interjects; coughs) Can we get back to me? I still have a query…

BRUCE
(interupts) I’ve brought your son back as well.

ELIZABETH
What?

BRUCE
He was with the two men in the spaceship.

ELIZABETH
Joel? Are you alright, dear?

JOEL
I’m fine, mum. These two men saved me.

BOB
Yeah! We saw him clinging to the side of the hotel in astrosuit and all. We thought he was going to die.

LARRY
That was before my friend Bob crashed into your hotel.

BOB
(protests) But I saved him!

LARRY
(protests) You saved him? I brought him into the freighter!

BOB
And I was the one that spotted him first!

ELIZABETH
(agitated; concerned) What were you doing out there anyway, Joel?

GORDON
Yeah, what were you doing outside my hotel when you should have been here at reception? Come on, boy! I demand an explanation!

JOEL
(fed up) I can’t be bothered to give you one.

GORDON
That’s not an answer!

JOEL
I’m going back to my room.

GORDON
(shouts) You will stay right where you are, son! Answer me straight! Stay where you are! (Pause) I said ‘stay where you are’!!!

But Joel has already gone.

GORDON
(shouts angrily) Why doesn’t that boy ever do as his father tells him?

ELIZABETH
You were there when he was little, Gordon.

GORDON
What’s that supposed to mean?

DOCTOR
(annoyed) Excuse me?

GORDON
(politely) Sorry about this, Doctor. I’ll be with you in just one moment. (shouts) Elizabeth! What do you think you’re doing, Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH
I’m giving these gentlemen the key to their room. (to Larry) Two singles, is it?

LARRY
Yes. Two singles, thanks.

BOB
Yes. Now and again. The wives keep coming back.

GORDON
(shouts) After all they’ve done…

ELIZABETH
(sternly) Yes, Gordon. Even after all they’ve done, they’ll get their rooms.

Elizabeth hands Larry the keys.

ELIZABETH
You’re in room two twenty-five.

BOB
What was that?

ELIZABETH
You’re in room two twenty-five. Hope you’ll enjoy your stay here, gentlemen.

LARRY
Hope so. We’ve booked for five days by the way.

ELIZABETH
Of course, Mr. Cooper; Mr. Hill. Five days.

GORDON
(despairingly) Just five?

BOB
Do we sign anything?

ELIZABETH
Of course. Just sign this form here please.

LARRY
Thank you.

GORDON
I feel like breaking my neck apart.

Gordon turns his neck sharply, which cracks. He lets out a pained cry before getting his neck back into place.

GORDON
(in pain) Ah! My neck!

DOCTOR
(interjects) Excuse me!

GORDON
(overly-politely) Yes, Doctor. Most delightful Doctor at our hotel. What can we do for you?

DOCTOR
Well, I’m looking for information about any spatial anomalies! You see my ship came…

BOB
(protests) I can’t read this form! It’s too complicated!

ELIZABETH
Oh, I’m sorry.

LARRY
Hang on, let me have a look.

Larry looks.

LARRY
You’ve got it upside-down, you idiot!

BOB
(realises) Oh sorry! Sorry. My mistake, sorry.

Bob turns the form up the right way.

GORDON
(shouts) Can we have some silence?! I’m dealing with the Doctor! (to Doctor) You were saying, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Yes, my ship came here by accident, and I was wondering if anything unnatural… (Pause; astonished; to Larry) That’s very unusual luggage, gentlemen. Those are holo-emitter stabilisers, aren’t they?

LARRY
Yes, that’s right, sir. Bob and I never go without them. (to Bob) Isn’t that right, Bob?

BOB
(puzzled) Don’t we?

LARRY
No, we don’t.

BOB
(realises) Oh! No, we don’t.

LARRY
If you like one, I’m willing to sell err…Doctor, wasn’t it?

DOCTOR
Thank you. I’ll bear it in mind.

BRUCE
(interrupts) Can I go back to sleep now?

ELIZABETH
(sharply) No, Bruce. You’re to take these two gentlemen’s cases to their room. Room two twenty-five, it is.

BRUCE
I won’t enjoy it.

GORDON
Well, don’t then! Who’s asking you to enjoy it?! You’re a machine for pity’s sake! Just a machine!

BRUCE
You’re right. Just a machine. A machine that doesn’t care. Why should I? Nobody cares for me. (moans) I’ll take these cases to their room. (to Larry; Bob) Come on, gentlemen.

LARRY
Thanks, robot!

BRUCE
Android. I told you before. I’m not a robot. I’m an android.

BOB
I think you’ve upset him, Larry.

BRUCE
Upset? I’m never upset.

Mechanics whir away, as Bruce takes Larry and Bob to their rooms.

GORDON
Daft robot. (to Doctor) You were saying, Doctor?

DOCTOR
(casually) Thank you for helping me out so graciously, Mr. Rotenhend. I really appreciate it.

GORDON
But you still have a query to make.

DOCTOR
(to Elizabeth) Room two twenty-five those men were being taken to, was it?

ELIZABETH
Err, yes. But I don’t see…

DOCTOR
Thank you.

The Doctor leaves reception and heads off. Elizabeth is baffled whilst Gordon is enamoured.

ELIZABETH
What a peculiar fellow. That Doctor. Did he book in last night, Gordon?

GORDON
(awed) What a fine man. Such class. (Pause) And dressed for cricket. I should invite him to a cricket match some time.

ELIZABETH
(bemused) I’ll go and find Joel. And remember, Gordon. He’s your son.

Elizabeth leaves reception, whilst Gordon fantasizes to himself.

GORDON
Yes. I’ll even invite him to dinner. (chuckles) This is a good day for me. Lady Mite. The Doctor. (Pause; realises; shouts) What?! Where is everybody?! And where’s that son of mine?! I’ll sort him out!

Gordon leaves reception and goes off to find Joel.

---

SCENE #16 – INT – ROOM #225, LEVEL #46 – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
In Room #225, Larry and Bob settle in after being shown to their room by Bruce the android.

BOB
Nice room this! Isn’t it, Larry?

LARRY
Yes! Pity I didn’t bring my teddy bear.

BOB
Yeah. I brought mine though.

BRUCE
(glumly) I might as well say this, though I don’t know why I should bother. (recities) We hope you two will enjoy your stay at our hotel.

LARRY
(gratified) Well thank you, robot.

BRUCE
(frustrated) Android.

LARRY
Oh sorry. Android.

BRUCE
Dinner starts at seven-thirty. The hotel closes at ten-thirty in case you were thinking of going out, which is highly unrecommended. If you wish room service, just call on the interface. And if you want to…oh what’s the point? I’m leaving.

BOB
(curiously) What’s your name again?

BRUCE
You ask my name? (Pause) Bruce. My name is Bruce.

BOB
Hello, Bruce. My name is Bob. I think I like you.

BRUCE
Like? You won’t say that when you see more of me.

Bruce the android glumly leaves, as the electronic doors open and close behind him. Larry and Bob are alone.

BOB
Nice chap isn’t he, Larry?

LARRY
Never mind about that, Bob. We’ve got things to sort out.

BOB
Oh, you mean with that client we’ve got.

LARRY
Yes. But first…

BOB
Yes?

LARRY
I’m going to have a bath.

BOB
Oh.

LARRY
And then we’ll have a snack sent up. I’m starving.

BOB
Yeah. So am I.

LARRY
Bob, fetch me my towel and shampoo with conditioner, will you?

Bob sighs. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Both men are puzzled.

LARRY
Who is it?

BOB
(calls) Come in.

LARRY
(sharply, to Bob) Don’t say ‘come in’ like that! We don’t even know who it is yet.

The electronic door slides open. It closes once the Doctor has entered, all casual and enthusiastic.

DOCTOR
Hello, gentlemen. I hope I’m not intruding. I see you’re settling in.

LARRY
Well, well. If it isn’t the Doctor we met at reception.

DOCTOR
(cheerfully) Yes. Hello. You’re Mr. Cooper, aren’t you?

LARRY
Just call me Larry.

DOCTOR
And you are…

BOB
Bob.

DOCTOR
Bob. Nice Bob. Very pleased to meet you.

LARRY
Well, don’t just stand there, Bob. We have a guest. Fetch the man a drink.

BOB
Yes, Larry.

LARRY
And fetch me one while you’re at it. (to Doctor) Do please sit down, Doctor.

DOCTOR
Thank you.

LARRY
I haven’t tried these sofas before. I imagine they’re comfortable though.

Larry and the Doctor slump into the sofas, whilst Bob goes over to fetch some drinks.

BOB
I’ll use the replicator over here.

Bob approaches the replicator machine, as he’s about to make an order.

BOB
What are you having, Larry?

LARRY
I’ll have a glass of fine malt please, Bob.

BOB
Same here. (to Doctor) And you, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Oh…lemonade with lots of ice please.

BOB
(to replicator) Hey! Machine! Two malts and one lemonade with lots of ice, please.

The replicator machine lights up, as it makes the drinks for three in Room #225. The process is slow and the drinks take time to materialise.

BOB
(impatiently) Work! Work, you stupid thing!

Bob bangs on the replicator machine, until eventually, the drinks finally materialise out of the machine.

BOB
(pleased) There we are. And on a tray too.

Bob picks up the tray of drinks and brings them over to the Doctor and Larry.

DOCTOR
They keep improving the functions of an ADC to perform and fulfill its tasks, but it’s never really right.

LARRY
(bewildered) ADC, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Analog-to-Digital Converter.

LARRY
(confused) Oh.

BOB
Here you are, Larry.

Larry takes the drinks from Bob.

LARRY
Ah. Thank you, Bob. You didn’t have to get two malts for me, but very nice of you.

BOB
But…but…

Larry slurps the whisky from both glasses, letting out contended sighs as he does so.

LARRY
Ah! This is the life.

Bob, perturbed by what his friend’s just done, passes the tray over to the Doctor for him to take his glass of lemonade.

BOB
Here’s your drink, Doctor.

The Doctor takes the glass from Bob.

DOCTOR
Thank you, Mr. Hill.

BOB
No problem.

The Doctor sips his lemonade, whilst Larry slurps at his whisky and licks his lips.

DOCTOR
So, you’ve managed to settle in well, gentlemen.

LARRY
We certainly have.

BOB
Have you been at this hotel long, Doctor?

DOCTOR
No. Arrived last night. Though I was here the previous year. And the service was quite satisfactory at the time.

BOB
Well, let’s hope the service will be good this year too.

Moment of silence.

LARRY
So? To what do we owe this pleasure, Doctor? Why do you come to visit our castle, as Bob and I might say?

DOCTOR
I want to know about those holo-emitter stabilisers. I believe they might have diverted my ship to this hotel.

LARRY
(anxiously) Sorry. Can’t disclose that. Trade secret.

DOCTOR
Where did you get them?

LARRY
(apprehensively) This is our business and we only share it with our client.

DOCTOR
How did you get them? Why did you get them? And what are you using them for?

LARRY
I’m sorry, Doctor. But Bob and I can’t help you. Can we, Bob?

BOB
(confused) Oh. Can’t we?

LARRY
Of course we can’t!

BOB
(realises) Oh, of course we can’t.

DOCTOR
(insistently) Who exactly is your client, gentlemen? I wish to know.

Larry gets up from his sofa.

LARRY
I’m sorry, Doctor. I’m afraid you have to go.

DOCTOR
What?

LARRY
If it’s money you want, we’re not interested. Now please leave us.

The Doctor is pulled up from his chair by Larry and is escorted out of their room.

DOCTOR
But I haven’t finished my lemonade yet.

LARRY
Well, too bad! Have your lemonade somewhere else. Get one at the hotel bar.

The electronic door slides open, as the Doctor is almost halfway through the door with Larry and Bob pushing him out. But the Doctor soon leans his head in through the doorway before it closes.

DOCTOR
Alright, gentlemen. I’ll leave. And don’t worry about the lemonade. Though I don’t have any money, so you two will have to pay for it. See you again soon. Hopefully you’ll be more co-operative next time we meet.

The Doctor leaves, as the electronic doors close shut behind him. Larry sighs with relief.

LARRY
(relieved) Thank goodness for that! That was a close one.

BOB
We shouldn’t have been so rude.

LARRY
I know, Bob. But what can we do? (Pause) Anyway, I’m going to have a bath. You, Bob, see if they can send up a snack, like…I don’t know…a few chicken sandwiches and a pot of tea. You pay.

Larry goes off to have his bath, whilst Bob is bewildered.

---

SCENE #17 – EXT – CASTLE GROUNDS (SIMI-SUITE #3) – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
Meanwhile, in one of the simi-suites at the hotel, Nyssa and Billy walk about on a green lawn next to a castle. The sun is shining with a cool breeze in the air and the birds are singing in the trees. It’s not just Nyssa and Billy though, as there are other people walking about the castle grounds too. A computer voice gives announcements in the background.

COMPUTER VOICE
Welcome to simi-suite three. The current simulation is old Earth castle park – Goodrich Castle. The other simulations currently taking place in other simu-suites are as follows. Suite one – the Roman empire. Suite two – Alton Towers. Suite four – Game Zero. Please attend these scenarios if you wish to change program…

As the announcements go on, Nyssa and Billy walk about the grounds taking everything in.

BILLY
These castle grounds are amazing! They look so real, considering they aren’t!

NYSSA
Yes. I see how well they attempt to recreate historical places like these by this time in Earth’s history. But Earth technology is still far too primitive for my liking. They can never get it really right.

BILLY
Well, not everyone has a TARDIS. So, I suppose these holographic simulations are the next best thing. (Pause) Have you ever been to one of these castles before, Nyssa?

NYSSA
Yes, I have. We went to the twelfth century and visited Stockbridge Castle. Though the Doctor and I did have trouble when we went there. (Pause) I hope the Doctor’s alright. I wonder where he is.

BILLY
Perhaps he’s found something out already.

NYSSA
I hope so. It would be inconsiderate if he didn’t.

Moment of silence.

BILLY
Nyssa?

NYSSA
Yes, Billy.

BILLY
(gradually) As we can create anything we want to in these things, why don’t we have that dance date we were going to have later on? (Pause) That is…if you’re interested.

Another moment of silence, as Nyssa thinks.

NYSSA
Yes, I’d like that.

BILLY
Really?

NYSSA
Yes.

BILLY
You really would like to go out with me again?

NYSSA
Of course, Billy. I’d like to have that dance. You arrange it.

BILLY
(excited) Great! Thanks, Nyssa. (Pause) We can have the music that I wanted us to listen to. I’ll make sure Glenn Miller, Frank Sinatra, Guy Lombardo, Ray Connif and all the greats are added to the dance’s music list.

NYSSA
As long as you have the Charleston, the Waltz and the Foxtrot dances in the program, I’ll be happy.

BILLY
That’s all I want to do, Nyssa. To see you happy.

A tender moment of silence.

BILLY
(changes subject) Say, Nyssa. Can I take a photo of you standing in front of the castle?

NYSSA
Yes, of course.

BILLY
Thanks.

They take their positions, as Billy is about to take Nyssa’s photo.

NYSSA
Where do you want me to stand?

BILLY
Oh, just stand a bit to the right. Then I should be able to get you in the frame.

NYSSA
Okay.

Nyssa moves a bit to the right as Billy says.

BILLY
Yes, that’s great. Now stand still. (Pause) And…smile.

Nyssa smiles. Billy then clicks his camera and takes a photo. The photo print slides out of the camera.

BILLY
Now, let’s have a look.

Billy then takes out the photo print and looks at it.

BILLY
(gradually) Yeah. Looks great.

NYSSA
Let me see.

Nyssa goes over to Billy, as she peaks at what the photo looks like.

NYSSA
You’ve managed to get a bit of my head off the photo.

BILLY
(embarrassed) Yeah, but…it’s still good, isn’t it?

Another moment of silence.

NYSSA
Shall we have a picture with you and me together?

BILLY
Yeah, alright.

NYSSA
(aloud) Computer. Create a tourist in the castle program.

A few beeping noises occur, as the computer creates a holographic simulation of a tourist out of thin air in the simu-suite.

BILLY
(astonished) That is amazing!

NYSSA
(calls) Excuse me?

TOURIST
Yes?

NYSSA
Could you take a photo of me and my friend in front of the castle?

TOURIST
Yes, of course.

BILLY
Here’s my camera.

The tourist takes the camera from Billy.

TOURIST
Okay, if you just stand where you’d like to stand, I’ll take it then.

BILLY
Thanks.

NYSSA
Yes, thank you.

The tourist operates the camera, whilst Nyssa and Billy stand in front of the castle.

BILLY
(to Nyssa) Can I put my arm around you?

NYSSA
Yes, of course.

Billy puts his arm around Nyssa, as they have their photo taken.

BILLY
(to himself) This feels a bit like my dream.

NYSSA
The one you had this morning?

BILLY
(slightly embarrassed) Err…yes.

TOURIST
Okay. Smile.

Nyssa and Billy smile, as the tourist clicks the camera and takes the photo. The photo print slides out from the camera, as the tourist takes it out and holds it up for Nyssa and Billy to see.

TOURIST
There you are. One photo from the camera.

Suddenly, a woman lets out a loud, terrified scream from a distance. Nyssa and Billy are disturbed and startled once this happens.

BILLY
What was that?

NYSSA
Billy, come on!

BILLY
Right behind you, Nyssa!

Nyssa runs off to where the scream came from. Billy follows Nyssa before…

TOURIST
(calls) Excuse me, sir. You forgot your photo and camera.

Billy runs back to take the photo and the camera from the holographic tourist.

BILLY
Thanks, mate. See you later.

Billy runs off after Nyssa, leaving the tourist by himself whilst the screams continue at a distance.

---

SCENE #18 – INT – CASTLE (SIMU-SUITE #3) – 37TH CENTURY – MORNING
Somewhere in the castle itself, a few women tourists that are not holograms scream their heads off after witnessing a horrible sight. Mumbles and mutters from other tourists occur, as Nyssa passes her way through the crowd.

NYSSA
(concerned) What is it? What’s the matter?

Nyssa looks to see what the women are screaming about.

NYSSA
(realises; shocked) Oh no! (Pause) Who would do such a thing as this?

Billy pushes his way through the crowd to get to Nyssa.

BILLY
Excuse me. Excuse me. Coming through.

Billy approaches Nyssa once he’s past the crowd. Billy looks to see what Nyssa’s seen.

BILLY
What’s going on, Nyssa? (gasps; shocked) Oh no! Oh how ghastly!

NYSSA
Yes. Something evil has done this. Someone malicious has caused this awful travesty. (Pause) They’re just dangling from the castle walls.

BILLY
Yeah. Hanged as if they were the king’s criminals put on display. (Pause) And such a young couple.

The young couple dangling in the air from the castle wall happen to be Joe and Jo, who were on the beach in the same simi-suite from the previous night.

---

© Tim Bradley, 2016

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